'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

Doctor visit

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer".

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind her and hauled her into the woods. He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her. Looking quite pleased, he looked at her and asked, "what are you going to tell Mother Superior?"

"I'm going to tell her the truth," she said. "A man grabbed me, pulled me into the woods, and had his way with me...twice! If he's not too tired?!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Old Jack had moments to live. At his side were his family, his wife and four sons, three of which had blonde hair, the other ginger.

"Clara, I've always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Tell me truthfully, is he really my son?"

Clara put her hand on her heart and fervently swore that yes, he was his son.

"Oh thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply, "Good thing he didn't ask about the other three."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Why" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me wife."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Maria had just married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"

His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."

She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean...It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"