An American, a Brit and a Irishman are sitting at the bar. A fly lands in each of their beers. They all 3 look at each other in amazement.

The Brit exclaims... "I'm not drinking that lads, its got a bloody fly in it!"

The American calmly scoops the fly out of his mug with a spoon, laughs at the Brit and takes a huge swig and winks at the Brit.

The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer with his fingers and yells... "Spit it out you farking bastadd, that's mine, spit it out!!!"

That's a good one Danno. Here's a classic, 1 liner:


MATT RYAN


get it?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

The Pope and Obama are on a stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope backhands Obama and knocks him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, ” I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?”
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
” Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

I'd remember that too.

My wife left a note on the fridge: “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not quite sure what she was talking about.

Obama is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.

On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh."

An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

A little boy asked his father: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’