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I read an article that said if you drink every day you might be an alcoholic.
Thank god I only drink every night!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7
miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I
pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my
eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I
went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor
woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really lousy golfer".

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A couple were celebrating 50 years together..
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son
number one.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the
hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I
didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing
is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between
depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to
tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

And I raise you one!

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One more

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A little girl asks her mom, ‘Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Her mom replies ‘No, because she’s in heat.’

‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father, I think he’s in the garage.’

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to ask you.’

He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent and said ‘Ok, you can go now but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said ‘She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’