Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.

He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"What's the good news?"

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 35 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole**?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole*?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fu#k yourself. These are my cookies!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.

She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and accomplished golfer, living
in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Mark, and I’m OK, thanks" I replied.
"Mark, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and then I'll help you get the cart back on its wheels."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered
”But I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," she insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, yet added,
"But my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and a brief sit in the shade,
I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know my wife is going to be very upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I replied....

Re: Joke of the Day
 

WELFARE CHECK

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said..."Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.

"Okay, what's the catch?" he asked.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Jokes about men

"A Woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. Kinda like a Jeep."
— Elaine on Seinfeld on why men shouldn't walk around naked

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.