An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week’

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age,
Maxine, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a hush and you could heard a pin drop.

He answered impatiently, "If I have told you once, Maxine, I have told you a hundred times... What we have is.. Blue Cross!"

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Philadelphia , I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't ever get a colonoscopy done in San Francisco .

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the SouthernRedneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of
this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

LOLOL! Good one Hulka.

A businessman is driving through a desolate area to an important meeting and has a flat tire.

As he takes the flat tire off, it falls over and hits the hubcap where he put the lug nuts, causing them to scatter in the grass.

As he looks for the missing lugnuts, he gets more and more aggravated when he realizes that he is going to miss his meeting.

After giving up on finding the missing lugnuts, he looks up and down the highway for any signs of a garage or place that he can get his flat fixed and notices that he is stopped next to an insane asylum.

An inmate has been watching the salesman's problems.

The salesman is muttering under his breath about his situation and wondering how he is going to get back on the road.

The inmate says to the salesman, "Why don't you take one lugnut from the other 3 tires to mount the spare until you can get to a garage?"

The salesmen thinks about it a few minutes and thinks that it will work.

As he is tightening the last lugnut, he asks the inmate, "That was a great idea; why are in an insane asylum?"

The inmate says, "I may be crazy, but I'm not crazy!"

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.

He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of
dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress of
one year being clean and sober).

He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.

By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.

About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his
friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends as well as his gay
friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.

"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many
asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it
some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.

"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just when I quit smoking I found
everything tasted different."

A tough looking group of bikers were riding, when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”.