saintfan

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ...minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped
next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and
darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that
could have been me!"

So, today...bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

foreverfan

Saint_LB

A 5th grade teacher informed her class that they would now begin learning about sex. She told the class that their first assignment would be to go home and try to find out something about sex and return prepared to share it with the class.

The next day after the children all settled into their seats, the teacher announced that it was time to tell what they had learned. She called on little Mary first, who stood up and told the class about her dog at home that went under the house for a long time...and when the dog finally came out, she had 4 puppies with her. She went on to tell the class that she asked her mommy if that had anything to do with sex, and her mom told her that it did.

Next came little Bobby, and he shared a similar story as Mary's, only this story involved his cat who had 5 baby kittens. Bobby asked his father if the cat having kittens had anything to do with sex, and his father informed him that it indeed did.

Several stories were told, all the while dirtly little Johnny had been looking out the window, daydreaming, picking his nose...anything but listening to the others...when he suddenly heard the teacher calling his name. He responds, "What?"

The teacher says, "Do you have a story about sex?"

Johnny was totally unprepared...he didn't even know that the class was sharing these stories and did not pay attention when the teacher gave the assignment.

Obviously, Johnny had nothing, so he began trying to think of something...anything. Suddenly he blurted out, "I saw a movie with John Wayne in it."

The teacher says, "Yes...go on..."

Johnny says, "There were a thousand Indians and only John Wayne."

"Yes...go on.", says the teacher.

Johnny replies, "John Wayne killed every one of those Indians!"

The teacher says, "OK, Johnny...but what does that have to do with sex."

Johnny stops for a second, looks into the air as he is trying to think of something, when all the sudden his eyes light-up and he hollers to the rest of the class,

"It'll teach those Indians not to f#@k around with John Wayne!"

Whether you think you can or think you can't...you're right!

strato

Our 0-line

foreverfan

The Agony of Dyslexia...

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

WhoDat!656

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ cotton panties.” The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.

When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Boudreaux. “I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: “Yeah, dese ‘il fit ‘er.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Saint_LB

I like the following joke...I just hope I can repeat it in a way that will give justice...


An old farmer was traveling down a farm road with a horse in a trailer. A car approached from the opposite direction and was going directly down the center of the road, causing the farmer to swerve off the road and into a ditch. The trailer with the horse capsized and the horse was thrown out of the trailer. The farmer was also thrown from the truck and was knocked unconscious.

Within a couple of minutes a state trooper showed-up. It was around this time that the farmer woke-up, and as he looked up, he saw the trooper with a shotgun asking the horse if he was OK. The horse tried to get up but couldn't...obviously he had a broken leg. The next thing he saw was the trooper shooting the horse in the head killing him.

When the trooper asked the farmer if he was OK, the farmer nodded his head.

Several months later, the farmer went to court to sue the driver of the car that caused him to swerve into the ditch for bodily injuries. The attorney for the defendant put the highway patrol officer on the stand and asked him what the farmer said when he was asked if he was OK...the trooper informed the court that the farmer had nodded his head saying he was OK.

When the farmer went to the witness stand to give his side of the story, he told the court of how the trooper went to the horse and asked if he was OK and then immediately shot the horse when the horse did not respond favorably.

The farmer says, "If you saw a trooper ask your horse if he was OK...and then turn around and shoot him in the head...what are you going to say when he asks if you are OK?"

I don't think I got that exactly right but it was funny when I heard it.

Whether you think you can or think you can't...you're right!

Crusader

Hank called 911 in great distressand ylled: We were out hunting and I done shot my pal and I think he is dead.
The operator answered: Can you make sure he is dead?
A loud boom was heard over the phone,followed by Hank asking: Ok, I'm sure, what now?

Crusader

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!"

Crusader

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one
look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the
window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate
breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here
in the first place."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.