Joke of the Day

foreverfan · 12-02-2011, 09:20 AM

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently - ice is really bad for you! Warn all your friends . . . .

WhoDat!656 · 12-03-2011, 06:31 PM

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...........

”OK, Monica, you're free to go."

foreverfan · 12-05-2011, 10:07 PM

Saint_LB · 12-06-2011, 09:15 AM

Originally Posted by WhoDat!656

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...........

”OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Now that was funny. I had heard it before but forgot...so thanks for reminding me...I will have to put that one into the repotoire.(sp?)

Anyway...here's a slightly different version.

Guy dies and goes to hell...devil gives him 3 alternatives...or 3 doors in which he has to choose one for eternity.

He looks into the first door and people are standing on their heads on a bed of nails. Blood is oozing from their heads so he decides to look into the next door.

Inside the next door people are standing on their heads on broken glass. Again, blood is oozing from their heads, so he looks into the last door.

Here, people are standing in $hit up to their waists and drinking coffee. It is pretty gross but better than the other 2 alternatives. So...he opts for this door and as soon as he walks in he is handed a cup of coffee. He finds a pleasant young lady to have conversation with, and then, after a couple of minutes, a loud voice is heard overhead through the intercom...

"OK...COFFEE BREAK OVER! EVERYBODY GET BACK ON THEIR HEADS!!"

foreverfan · 12-06-2011, 09:41 AM

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed. De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?' Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?' Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?' Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you passed gas yet?' 'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!'

Saint_LB · 12-06-2011, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by foreverfan

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed. De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?' Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?' Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?' Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you passed gas yet?' 'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!'

I had a real "LOL"...

WhoDat!656 · 12-06-2011, 08:48 PM

An elephant was drinking at a riverbank one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambled over and kicked the turtle across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, you have quite a memory," commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant,"I have turtle recall."

foreverfan · 12-07-2011, 12:48 PM

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

WhoDat!656 · 12-07-2011, 08:24 PM

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .

The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .

The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

WhoDat!656 · 12-10-2011, 10:18 AM

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

12-02-2011, 09:20 AM	#121
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently - ice is really bad for you! Warn all your friends . . . . saintfan likes this.
	Last edited by foreverfan; 12-02-2011 at 09:23 AM..

12-03-2011, 06:31 PM	#122
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,001	One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... ”OK, Monica, you're free to go." Saint_LB and foreverfan like this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

12-06-2011, 09:15 AM	#124
Saint_LB Deuce Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,894	Originally Posted by WhoDat!656 One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... ”OK, Monica, you're free to go." Now that was funny. I had heard it before but forgot...so thanks for reminding me...I will have to put that one into the repotoire.(sp?) Anyway...here's a slightly different version. Guy dies and goes to hell...devil gives him 3 alternatives...or 3 doors in which he has to choose one for eternity. He looks into the first door and people are standing on their heads on a bed of nails. Blood is oozing from their heads so he decides to look into the next door. Inside the next door people are standing on their heads on broken glass. Again, blood is oozing from their heads, so he looks into the last door. Here, people are standing in $hit up to their waists and drinking coffee. It is pretty gross but better than the other 2 alternatives. So...he opts for this door and as soon as he walks in he is handed a cup of coffee. He finds a pleasant young lady to have conversation with, and then, after a couple of minutes, a loud voice is heard overhead through the intercom... "OK...COFFEE BREAK OVER! EVERYBODY GET BACK ON THEIR HEADS!!"
Saint_LB Deuce Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,894	Whether you think you can or think you can't...you're right!

12-06-2011, 09:41 AM	#125
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’ So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed. De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin! Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?' Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?' Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?' Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.' Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you passed gas yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!' Saint_LB and Crusader like this.
	2019 Death of a Parrot.

12-06-2011, 10:47 AM	#126
Saint_LB Deuce Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,894	Originally Posted by foreverfan Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’ So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed. De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin! Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?' Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?' Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?' Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.' Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you passed gas yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!' I had a real "LOL"...
Saint_LB Deuce Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,894

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12-05-2011, 10:07 PM	#123
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5

12-06-2011, 08:48 PM	#127
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,001	An elephant was drinking at a riverbank one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambled over and kicked the turtle across the river. "Why did you do that?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, you have quite a memory," commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant,"I have turtle recall."

12-07-2011, 12:48 PM	#128
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz." THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
	2019 Death of a Parrot. Last edited by foreverfan; 12-07-2011 at 05:52 PM..

12-07-2011, 08:24 PM	#129
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,001	A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol ... Dead . The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead . The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead . The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive . So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

12-10-2011, 10:18 AM	#130
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,001	Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." foreverfan likes this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

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