Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old
grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream
for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even
know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God
was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose
remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for
ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will
remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it
in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for
you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old b i t c h! "

There was a man named Jones and he played 3rd string center for a

pro football team. Friday came around and he started to feel ill. As

the weekend went on he got worse. It came time for the game on

Monday night and he could not get out of bed.



His wife told him to go cause they needed the money and that all he

had to do is sit on the bench. Feeling real ill he told his wife

that he could not go. She gets the idea to dress in is his uniform

and just sit on the bench in his place because he almost never

plays.



During the first quarter the first string center gets knocked out.

During the 2nd quarter the 2nd string center gets knocked out. The

coach yells "Jones get in there," so she goes out onto the field and

immediately gets knocked out.



Twenty minutes later she wakes up finding the coach over her pushing

on her tits saying, "Don't worry Jones when we get your balls back

down your dick will pop out."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice:

‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it’

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina’?

‘Yes, actually I have’ she says. The man replies.. ‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

Would ObamaCare cover this?

Bayou Renaissance Man: It's enough to make a man shrivel!

Warning for Men!

Clever Scam!! This is very serious stuff! Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.

These girls will not give up, they have proven it over and over again with me. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.

So please, send this along to all the men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!

In response to the Department of Homeland Security's recent announcements about threat alerts, John Cleese had this to say.

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person-and of Monty Python
films

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. Watching your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will search for a golf ball!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is a divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. Both want a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . Because they don't have balls to scratch!

A man goes into a bar and asks for 2 double martinis. "Wow," the bartender says, "it's only 2:00. You must have had a really bad day."

"Yeah," the man replies. "First I had an accident on the way to work that made me 2 hours late for a meeting with an important client. Then my boss fired me for being late. So I went home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I told her I was leaving her, packed my bags, and came here."

"That is pretty bad," says the bartender. "What did you say to your best friend?"



"Bad dog!"