Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .”

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package today.

It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a

machine to blow smoke up my ass and 10 coupons to KFC. The

directions were in Spanish.

Hope you get yours soon.

Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?' 'Why no,' he answers, ' I am Moses;
Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delightand climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place

for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the

residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the

violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the

bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing

medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Phucking Mexican' !

Must be SkyMike's grandpa. ;)

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics

of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually

became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive

about his appearance.



One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a

Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.



The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered,

"Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your

starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.



The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question,

answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.



The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate,

extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

" Do you notice anything different about me?"To his surprise the Sergeant Major

said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."



The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

"And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied,

"Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one phuckin' ear."

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “ California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."


One week later, a local newspaper in Houma, LA reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Bayou Cane, Amil, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Amil has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless".