WhoDat!656

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”

Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises. She said "I don't think it's in yet" I said "Yes, that's the one"

Crusader

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat instead.

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

WhoDat!656

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300,000,000, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy it was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?"
Trump: "No the other one."

Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one."

Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one."

Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one."

Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Me, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet."
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china as Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

Tweets to remember.

---
12016 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing.
2016 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing.
---
NASA Headquarters.
Reporter: Why did you name the Mars rover "Curiosity"?
Scientist: The prototype killed a ****ton of cats. Next question.

WhoDat!656

Dear friends,

I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.

It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.

He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you,

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $ 0.16 so far.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

George and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end.
She sank to the bottom and stayed there.
George promptly jumped in to save her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical doctor became aware of George’s act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell George the news.
He said "George, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient.
I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead."
George replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

I went to the grocery the other night to get some slices of cheddar cheese.

I needed something to go with them so I asked a black lady if she knew where the crackers were?

She looked at me and said... "look all around... they bes walking around everywhere."

Crusader

A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’
“What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin' days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.