SmashMouth

little Johnny goes to confession:
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Johnny says "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

WhoDat!656

Here's the Table of Contents from the new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my many golfing partners.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 - When to implement handicap management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post…undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6-hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to re-grip your ball retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the hand wedge and weak slip on the foot wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th hole and stiff the bartender.

Hopefully, you will find this book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!!

Thank You

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

8 words with 2 meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car’s hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND He said..... I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said.... You wear pants, don’t you? He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said.... That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said.... Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

SmashMouth

What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this chit.

jeanpierre

Math Teacher: Okay, class, five ducks in a pond, hunter shoots two, how many left?

T-Boy: None, cause would fly off.

Math Teacher: Well the answer was three, but I like the way you think.

T-Boy: Let me ask you m'aam, if three women on a bench enjoying ice cream, one biting her treat, one licking her treat, and one sucking her treat, which one's married?

Math Teacher: (nervously) The one sucking her treat?

T-boy: No m'aam, the one with the wedding ring, but, I like the way you think!

SmashMouth

What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?

Whoreshoes.

WhoDat!656

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden . . .. POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature!”

“Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!”

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the ***** willows.”

Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

foreverfan

foreverfan

Hey guys... Are you gaining weight and looking fat?
Just remember... you won't looks so fat if you tell your woman to gain some weight.