foreverfan

foreverfan

foreverfan

44Champs

I saw this mean-looking fat woman at my local bar wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm a Maneater"

I went up to her and said "Excuse me - about your t-shirt..."

She angrily cut me off. "Oh I guess you want to know how many men I've eaten?? Well I don't care to hear any of your fat jokes!"

I said "No, actually I wasn't gonna ask you anything at all."

She lightened up and smiled. "Oh - well what did you want to tell me then?"

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

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44Champs

Doctor: "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Man: "Good news first please!"

Doctor: "We're naming a disease after you."

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WhoDat!656

An Aggie guy and his girlfriend are making out on the coach and she tells him, "Why don't you give me a kiss between the legs!"

He replies, "I know what you are trying to do! You are going to try to bite me on the nose!"

She tells him, "There aren't any teeth down there! Look!"

So he gets down between here legs and looks and probes around.

After a few minutes he gets up and she tells him."See! I told you there weren't any teeth down there."

He says,"Yeah, and the shape those gums are in I know why too!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ....

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . .. being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Wife : "So , what did you do today?

Husband: "I changed a light bulb."

Wife: "That's all? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cooked three meals, and more and you just changed a light bulb?"

Husband: "Yeah, but I filmed it."

WhoDat!656

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his Buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy said, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number three guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said “Take a sweater”!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his Buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy said, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number three guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said “Take a sweater”!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."