WhoDat!656

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton Die on the same day and they both go Before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, They’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, And I’m sure it will please God to be able to see Them every day, for Eternity.’

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, Her Majesty wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, ‘Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.’

Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?’

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”


MOD EDIT.... You're killing me with these jokes. FF

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

saintfan

Oh...ah....ah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

<gasp>

haaaaa...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

hah hah....

<whew!>

WhoDat!656

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, “Your wish is granted” & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”,came the reply.

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian’s abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again.”

Christian replied,”No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, & I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed....I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported: "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said, "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

Quantas Repair Report
"Brevity is the soul of wit" - so gripe sheets are a perfect place to display that skill.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

saintfan

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can someone explain what TO.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L . written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our
Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying " F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams. "Who can explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means, "From Us Colored Kids

C'mon Man...

WhoDat!656

At lunchtime a little boy and girl always sat together and each ate a chicken salad sandwich.

One day at lunch, the little girl ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The little boy asked her, "Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a chicken salad sandwich?"

The little girl says, "I'm not eating chicken salad sandwiches anymore; I have eaten so many I am starting to grow feathers down there!"

The little boy says, "Let me see!"

So the little girl lifts up her dress and the little boy says, "Wow!"

A few days later at lunch, the little boy unwraps a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The little girl asks, "Why aren't you eating a chicken salad sandwich?"

The little boy says, "I'm not eating chicken salad sandwiches anymore either! I have eaten so many that I am starting to grow feathers down there too!"

The little girl says, "Let me see!"

So the little boy pulls down his pants and the little girl looks and says, "Hell! You might as well go back to eating chicken salad sandwiches; you already are growing a neck and gizzards!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.