foreverfan

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie, please."


The man says, "The golf is no problem, but all the caddies are taken at present. Here's what I can do for you: We just received 8 brand new robot caddies. If you're willing to try one out on the course and tell me how it works out, your round of golf will be free."


The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." But the robot caddie said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is too much for this hole."


Reluctantly, the golfer used his 3 wood, and the ball landed about 10 feet from the hole.


The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.


As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think the putt will break left to right."


The robot again spoke up, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."


Thinking about the last time the robot corrected him, he decided to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game wasthe best he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.


On his return to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was it ?"


The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."


A week passed and the excited golfer returned to the pro shop. He said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."


The man behind the counter said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."


"COMPLAINTS? Who could've complained about those robots? Mine was incredible"


The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding other golfers on the fairway."


The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"


The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did, sir. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day....

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes, food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and some Air Jordan's and he'll vote democrat for the rest of his life.

foreverfan

Funny

Not Funny

Crusader

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.
This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"
So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in.
Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

saintfan

IDIOT SIGHTING:


I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.


I said "May I have large bills, please?"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING:



My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MickeyD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened in Birmingham , AL


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'



She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.



This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself.

And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.



A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.





STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.......and they VOTE!

C'mon Man...

foreverfan

WhoDat!656

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink,he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies 'Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally answered, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally replied, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The police officers turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy told him, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."