Joke of the Day

Mardigras9 · 05-21-2012, 05:00 PM

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A five putt; who the hell five putts?

foreverfan · 05-25-2012, 05:45 PM

One day Little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"

So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room.

The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?" So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"

The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

Crusader · 05-29-2012, 05:38 PM

Her: Whats the forecast for tonight?
Me: I'm no weatherman baby but you'll be getting more than a couple inches tonight...

Crusader · 05-30-2012, 01:53 AM

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a ***** have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep ****.

Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been ****ing the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

Q: How do they say "**** you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ****s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

WhoDat!656 · 06-03-2012, 05:10 PM

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good, Sally” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next, “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath, as Johnny always had a ‘different’ take on things.

Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher,“What in the world were you selling?”

Toothbrushes” said Johnny.

“Toothbrushes” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town” said Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”

Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, tell you it’s free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

foreverfan · 06-04-2012, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by Crusader

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a ***** have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep ****.

Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been ****ing the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

Q: How do they say "**** you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ****s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing... she's already been told twice.

Q: What do you call a Dago genie?
A: A fart in a coke bottle.

foreverfan · 06-04-2012, 09:47 PM

A black guy was walking down an alley looking for his next meal when he happened upon an old oil lamp in the trash. He picks it up and uses a tattered coat sleeve to wipe off some of the grime, thinking he could pawn it for a couple of bucks. All of a sudden, a cloud of smoke comes off the wick. Lo! and behold! a magical genie appears, floating in mid-air.

"Master! I am Genie Hymie! I am yours and will grant you two wishs", said the genie.

"Two wishes?" asks the black guy. "I thought y'all genies be giving away three wishes?! What be up wit dat?"

"I'm a Jewish genie, what do you expect", replies the genie.

The black guy thinks for a second and says... Ok I can get this done in 2 wishes. First he wishes to be rich beyond his wildest dreams and in seconds his bank account has 1 Billion dollars in it.

So the black guy thinks how he can work the system and how he might be able to fit three more wishes into the last one. He says, "OK", My last wish is to be white, uptight and OUTTA sight!"

*** AND POOF ***

The genie turn him into a tampon.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for the Moral of the Story....

The moral of the story is: You can't ever get anything from a Jew without a string attached.

WhoDat!656 · 06-04-2012, 09:55 PM

The version I heard was for his 2nd wish, the black guy said he wants to be white and surrounded by pu$$y, so the genie turned him into a tampon!

foreverfan · 06-04-2012, 09:58 PM

Originally Posted by WhoDat!656

The version I heard was for his 2nd wish, the black guy said he wants to be white and surrounded by pu$$y, so the genie turned him into a tampon!

I cleaned it up you pervert. LOL

foreverfan · 06-05-2012, 09:50 AM

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult.'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F_ _ k the Japs,'.

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'

Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.'

05-21-2012, 05:00 PM	#321
Mardigras9 Site Donor 2015 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Land Mass between LA and AL Posts: 4,375	Wife's Diary Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary: A five putt; who the hell five putts? saintfan and foreverfan like this.
	"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

05-25-2012, 05:45 PM	#322
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	One day Little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?" So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?" The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"
	2019 Death of a Parrot.

05-30-2012, 01:53 AM	#324
Crusader Resident Swede Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Märsta, Sweden Posts: 8,025	Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What do the Mafia and a *** have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep . Q: Why don't black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been ing the chickens! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money. Q: How do they say " you" in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? A: Anything you want. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader **s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. foreverfan likes this.
	W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

06-03-2012, 05:10 PM	#325
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,062	The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good, Sally” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next, “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny” said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath, as Johnny always had a ‘different’ take on things. Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher,“What in the world were you selling?” Toothbrushes” said Johnny. “Toothbrushes” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town” said Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, tell you it’s free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.” Danno and foreverfan like this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

06-04-2012, 09:41 PM	#326
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	Originally Posted by Crusader Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What do the Mafia and a *** have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep . Q: Why don't black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been ing the chickens! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money. Q: How do they say " you" in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? A: Anything you want. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader **s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? A: Nothing... she's already been told twice. Q: What do you call a Dago genie? A: A fart in a coke bottle.

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05-29-2012, 05:38 PM	#323
Crusader Resident Swede Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Märsta, Sweden Posts: 8,025	Her: Whats the forecast for tonight? Me: I'm no weatherman baby but you'll be getting more than a couple inches tonight...

06-04-2012, 09:47 PM	#327
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	A black guy was walking down an alley looking for his next meal when he happened upon an old oil lamp in the trash. He picks it up and uses a tattered coat sleeve to wipe off some of the grime, thinking he could pawn it for a couple of bucks. All of a sudden, a cloud of smoke comes off the wick. Lo! and behold! a magical genie appears, floating in mid-air. "Master! I am Genie Hymie! I am yours and will grant you two wishs", said the genie. "Two wishes?" asks the black guy. "I thought y'all genies be giving away three wishes?! What be up wit dat?" "I'm a Jewish genie, what do you expect", replies the genie. The black guy thinks for a second and says... Ok I can get this done in 2 wishes. First he wishes to be rich beyond his wildest dreams and in seconds his bank account has 1 Billion dollars in it. So the black guy thinks how he can work the system and how he might be able to fit three more wishes into the last one. He says, "OK", My last wish is to be white, uptight and OUTTA sight!" * AND POOF * The genie turn him into a tampon. . . . . . . . . Wait for the Moral of the Story.... The moral of the story is: You can't ever get anything from a Jew without a string attached. Crusader likes this.
	2019 Death of a Parrot. Last edited by foreverfan; 06-04-2012 at 09:49 PM..

06-04-2012, 09:55 PM	#328
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,062	The version I heard was for his 2nd wish, the black guy said he wants to be white and surrounded by pu$$y, so the genie turned him into a tampon!

06-04-2012, 09:58 PM	#329
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	Originally Posted by WhoDat!656 The version I heard was for his 2nd wish, the black guy said he wants to be white and surrounded by pu$$y, so the genie turned him into a tampon! I cleaned it up you pervert. LOL

06-05-2012, 09:50 AM	#330
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. 'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult.' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F_ _ k the Japs,'. 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little **. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh **, We're screwed!' Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.' WhoDat!656 likes this.
	2019 Death of a Parrot.

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