Crusader

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette, Mi. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
...
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Mardigras9

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender. The
robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot
brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is
curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,
"What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings
the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The
robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU
Tigers. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he
will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him
his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still
happy with Barrack Obama?"

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

WhoDat!656

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, “Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, “Please, tell us what the resurrection is.”

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice “When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!”

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces and says... 'In Mexico, we have so much sand, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In Texas, we have so many god damn Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

2019 Death of a Parrot.

Beastmode

Why is hitting on either spouse if they are mute fair gaime?

Because neither are spoken for.

Crusader

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Kosoma

a boy comes home from school one day and finds his father in the garage doing some work. the father notices he has a troubled look on his face.
dad: son is something wrong
son: the teacher told us for homework we have to learn the difference between theoretically and realistically. i never heard of either.
dad: i think i can help with this, boy, no need to worry. what i want you to do is go in the house and ask your sister and your mother if they would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
the boy runs into the house and is gone for a few minutes then returns to the garage.
dad: well what did they say?
son: they both said "yes".
dad: ok son listen carefully. theoretically we are sitting on two million bucks but realistically we are living with two whores.
...................................................................................
a sandwich walks into a bar and orders a draft beer. the bartender says
"im sorry but we dont serve food here"

foreverfan

My one day of employment with Walmart.



After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."


My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

papz