Crusader

What's the difference between a Republican and a toilet?

The toilet's only full of crap until you pull the handle.

Crusader

Two guys are sitting around talking about politics.

One of them asks the other, "So why are you a Democrat?"

"Because my daddy and granddaddy were Democrats," was the man's reply.

"What if your daddy and granddaddy were horse thieves?"

"In that case, I guess I'd be a Republican."

WhoDat!656

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a
restaurant for something cool to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the
restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied
under that tree outside?"

The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't
need bread. She isn't hungry' cause I fed
her this morning."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't
understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"

The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well,
go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A very good amateur golfer lost his arm in an industrial accident. Following rehab, he tried to learn to play golf again with just one arm but never could quite get the hang of it. He became so depressed he decided to commit suicide.
As he was standing on the roof of a tall building getting ready to jump he looked down and saw guy this skipping around as happy as can be. As he took even a closer look, he noticed the guy skipping had no arms. Now - he was ashamed of himself. Here he was - with one arm - feeling sorry for himself - ready to end it all — and there’s a guy on the ground with no arms - as happy as could be.

So - instead of jumping he decided to go down and thank the guy for saving his life. When he got down off the roof and caught up with him, he said - I want to thank you for saving my life. Here I am - one arm and ready to commit suicide - and yet I see you with NO arms, happy as can be. I’m ashamed of myself.

The guy with no arms says — Well I’m happy I saved your life but I’m not happy otherwise -— my ASS itches

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin & Queen Elizabeth hears this they ask the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, “ Since Obama took over, the United States has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down.

From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.”

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life!” Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

foreverfan

WhoDat!656

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White..

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?!" he asked.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

saintfan

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..." -

C'mon Man...