foreverfan

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by the American government and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in
The United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more wishes to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! --

The Man was transformed - wearing Worn-out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball Cap. He had his bad teeth back
And the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough luck, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

2019 Death of a Parrot.

Mardigras9

The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers. (scroll down and keep reading!)
________________________________________
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

foreverfan

Oh yea... I visited the third floor....

The third floor has more than enough young sexy women with big boobs, who love great sex and easily have enough money to support the both of us, love alcohol, never complains and absolutely loves Saints Football.

I didn't venture any further.

Moral of the story... Finish the joke correctly.

WhoDat!656

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commerical airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and the copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers left and right as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking at the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer to the end of the runway the voices are getting more and more hysterical. Finally, when the plane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we are going to get killed!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, hugging and shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland “

Barack said, “No problem, I”ll take you there on my Airforce One airplane.”

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan”s shoes.”

Barack said, “I”ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!”

The third kid said, “ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don”t look like you”re handicapped.”

The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just sits and glares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punker gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

God came down and first he went to the Germans and He said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where is the 3.3 million you stole from me?" demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

The crime boss shouts, "Where's my $3 million?"

The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is mute and deaf. Allow me to translate."

Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss puts a gun to the mute accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is or I'll blow his brains out."

"Okay! Okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard."

"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replied, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.
Unless you are at a funeral.