Mardigras9

A Pediatrician, a Lawyer, and a Priest are on the deck of the Titanic when it starts sinking.
The Pediatrician yells, "save the children",
the lawyer responds with "Fu*# the children",
and Preist then asks "you think we have time?"

Crusader

A drunkard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her lustfully. Sure enough, she quickly jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her!”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“That’s funny.” He muttered, “You even sound exactly like her!”

Crusader

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A brunette walks up to her blonde friend and said,"I slept with a brazilian last night"shocked the blonde replies,"you slut! how many is a brazilian?"

Crusader

An elderly couple was driving cross-country and the woman was driving. They were pulled over by the highway patrolman. The patrol asks, "Ma'am, did you know that you were speeding?" She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband shouted, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license, please?" She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband shouted, "He wants to see you license!" The woman gave him the license and the patrolman looks at it and says, "I see you're from Arkansas. I spent some time there, I had the worst sex I ever had with a woman I met there." The woman looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband shouted, "He thinks he knows you!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,’ and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.’"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shyt, what happened next?"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy.
And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dear; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill.
"I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.