Mardigras9

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WhoDat!656

Guy walks into a bar and trailing behind is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is bellying up to the bar.

Bartender comes over and says: “No dogs allowed in here, you’ll have to put him outside.”

Guy says: “You can see he’s an old dog, it’s cold out there and I take him everywhere. If he can do a trick you like will you let him stay?”

Bartender says: “Him do a trick? That I would like to see.”

Guy goes up to the dog and yells: “Navy beat Army”. Dog’s ears immediately come up, he pops up, jumps on the bar, does thirteen back flips, barks out the rhythm of Anchors Aweigh, jumps off the bar and promptly goes back to sleep in the corner.

Bartender says: “That really is something – what does he do when Army beats Navy?”

Guy replies: “I don’t know – he’s just thirteen years old.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife .

Husband: I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Oh, 5 something

Sergeant: Build?

Husband: Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car?

Husband: yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?

Husband: 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, Shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left ….. (at this point the husband started crying )

Sergeant: Don’t worry sir …….. we’ll find your car

..

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Muslim wife says to her husband, "You don't love me anymore".

Husband says, "Of course I do. Why would you say that"?

Wife says, "You don't carry me up the stairs to bed anymore like you used to".

Husband says "You're not six years old anymore".

dam1953

Infidel. You make Muslim joke. I kill you.

Allahu Akbar!

WhoDat!656

Barack Obama is out on the campaign trail, and he visits a retirement home to talk about social security and medicare. He’s mingling with some of the residents and one older woman catches his eye.

He asks her, “How do you like living here?”

She says, “I like it just fine.”

Obama says, “So they’re treating you okay?”

“Yes, everyone is very nice,” she answers.

"That’s great. How’s the food?” he asks.

“Fantastic. We get to eat all we want. You’d love it,” she replies.

Finally Barack asks her, “Do you know who I am?”

The woman looks at him for a few moments, then finally shakes her head and says, “No. But if you’re not sure either, go to the front desk and they’ll tell you.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bottom and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golfcourse –‘

She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina.

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man’s tractor.

“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath, “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept a-saying he wasn’t........But you know how much that sum***** lies.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Some more Obummer jokes!

WhoDat!656

Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.

Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was
bothering him so much.

"I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?"

Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense.

Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years."

Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh.

After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?"

"Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores.

"If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said.

"Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied.

His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member.

At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00."

She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up.

Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden.

So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member.

"What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?"

Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."