foreverfan

This should put a smile on your face. Click Here.

Crusader

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Crusader

A couple was in bed, and the husband starts fondling his wife's tits and says, "if these could produce milk, we could get rid of the cow." Then he moves his fingers down to her ***** and says, "If this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chicken." Annoyed, the wife grabs his dick and says, "If this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

WhoDat!656

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Men know how to negotiate!

dam1953

Yes, but it typically is cheaper to rent than to buy.

WhoDat!656

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much
more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but
when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

Friendship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."