Crusader

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower was coming.

WhoDat!656

Obama walks into a bar, and he's got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.

Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?”

Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”.

WhoDat!656

"Q: Why did the snowman smile?

A: Because the snowblower was coming.

dam1953

The only problem is they can only repeat what they are taught to say and don't really understand any of it.

WhoDat!656

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.


As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It
says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!’”

The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That’s my ball over there. May
I have it, please?”

The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”

The golfer looks at the man and says, “I think I understand”

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back
and throws it into the yard as well.

The man says, “What did you do that for?”


The golfer replies, “I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every
prik should have two balls.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.

Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was bothering him so much.

"I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?"

Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense.

Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years."

Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh.

After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?"

"Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores.

"If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said.

"Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied.

His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member.

At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00."

She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up.

Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden.

So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member.

"What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?"

Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days...

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."


Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Frank."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises and asked, "What happened to you, Frank?

"Shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Arabs."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"


As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.