Crusader

Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Friday I put a deposit on a new Porsche and posted on Facebook, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"

Today I have 5,000 new Muslim freinds!

saintfan

Hoe down.

No, not a dance. Heard most often on the Oakland Police Force radio.

Crusader

Politically incorrect jokes.

In a pub quiz the other day, I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa .

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that ‘iTouch Kids’ is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said; "Her brother's got a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Tom visits Dave who's laid up with a broken leg.
Dave says's "My feet are freezing mate, can you do me a favour and nip upstairs and get my slippers please?"
"No problem" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twins daughters are sitting on their beds.
"Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you two"
"F**k off you liar!" they both reply.
"I'll prove it" says Tom.
He shouts downstairs "Both of them Dave?"
"Of course! Whats the point of f**king one?"

Crusader

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife sir?".

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is".

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

I said, "I know, but she has a great personality"

Crusader

A couple of Falcons fans get married and on the first night she say's "Please be gentle with me, I've never had sex before!".

He rushes outside and phones his Dad, "Dad she's a virgin, what should I do?".


"Come home son" his father replies, "If she's not good enough for her own Family, she's not good enough for you".