Crusader

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

WhoDat!656

God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When that angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it’s bad down there; 95% are misbehaving, the other 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I’d better get a second opinion.”

When that angel reported, “Yes, it’s true - 95% are sinful and only 5% are being good.. The Earth is going to Hell in a handbasket.”

God was not pleased. He decided to email the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them to stay the course and give them a little something to help them along.

Do you know what the email said?

Just wondering, I didn’t get one either.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

George got a new job and his fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Obama wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and he was delighted.

However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.

He orders the Post Office to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the Obama.

Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp; the problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.

I know he has cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off.

Should I clobber him with a frying pan, or should I just leave him?

Your advice would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Mad as hell.

********************

Dear Mad as hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan. Try to act more like a lady.

Remember! You are running for President of the United States, so try to act like it!

Best of luck to you.

Signed,

Abby

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

WhoDat!656

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

On the radio...

A woman was caught shoplifting adult diapers. When the police arrived, she asked "You aren't going to arrest me, are you?"

The officer responded "Depends?"

WhoDat!656

Since you mentioned Depends!

dam1953

It took me a while to reply. First, I was speechless. Then, I was nauseous.