foreverfan

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

Mardigras9

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

WhoDat!656

The Atlanta Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Atlanta.

For the first offense, they give you two Atlanta Falcons tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 53 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A. The Atlanta Falcons.

Q. What do the Atlanta Falcons and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.


Q. How do you keep an Atlanta Falcon out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Atlanta Falcon with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Atlanta Falcons
and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Atlanta Falcons does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Halo

foreverfan

foreverfan

WhoDat!656

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

Crusader

Santa - The best of them all!

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Crusader

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and is
asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?

Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

WhoDat!656

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust



5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur , 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."