Crusader

*Cop pulls over a man*

"sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test"

man: "I cant, I have asthma, I might have an attack"

cop: "then I need to take a blood sample"

man: "no sir, I'm a hemophiliac, I might bleed to death"

cop: "ok, ill need a pee sample"

man: "I cant do that either officer, I'm a diabetic, I might get low blood sugar"

cop: "fine, just walk this line"

man: "I cant"

cop: "why?"

man: "cause I'm drunk"

SmashMouth

Crusader

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologize to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

foreverfan

foreverfan

"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour
de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."

- Willie Nelson

foreverfan

Man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"
The doctor replied: "Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal the next three months you should do it like dog and the last three months you should do it like tiger."
The man replies: "Tiger? I don't know that method."
The doctor explains : "Like Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women

foreverfan

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

2019 Death of a Parrot.

WhoDat!656

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go
down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will
be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I
will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the
lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if
that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot
the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a
lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the
hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three
inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs
for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his
cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as
was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around
lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that
fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that
fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes
off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The
bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse
grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The
mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three
inches... Some p*u*s*s*y is probably in danger.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan