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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase ...

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Old 05-12-2014, 08:39 PM   #981
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Re: Joke of the Day

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?”

Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”

Carlos’ sign reads: I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

“What’s wrong with that?” Carlos asks him.

“No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!”

Carlos says, “Alright, so what does your sign say?”

Jose’s sign reads: Need ten dollars to get back to Mexico
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Old 05-13-2014, 09:14 PM   #982
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?"calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set" replied the drunk.
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Old 05-14-2014, 10:47 PM   #983
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Re: Joke of the Day

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
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Old 05-15-2014, 03:35 AM   #984
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Re: Joke of the Day

My ex-wife is a real treasure...

...you need a map and a shovel to find her.
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:39 AM   #985
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Re: Joke of the Day

I think people should stop picking on fat people. They have enough on their plate already.
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Old 05-16-2014, 09:02 PM   #986
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Re: Joke of the Day

One morning a man came into the White House on crutches. He stopped in front of a picture of Obama and then threw away his crutches. A Secret Service agent witnessed the scene and ran into the Press room to tell Robert Gibbs what he had just seen.

“You’ve just witnessed a miracle!” Gibbs shouted.

The journalists in the press room cry out, “Where is this man now?”

“Flat on his back over by the picture,” says the agent.
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Old 05-16-2014, 09:04 PM   #987
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Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"


Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
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Old 05-17-2014, 03:03 PM   #988
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Re: Joke of the Day

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a
great football star and the students, who were all uninformed voters, as are most college students outside of science, math and engineering, held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if he could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the uninformed voter
students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the
diploma in his hand and said, “sir, if you can answer this question
correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” He said he was ready and the dean
asked him the question. “Sir,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”

He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just
pondering the question.

The Alabama students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”

Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said,
“I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”

A hush fell over the auditorium and the students began
another chant.

“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
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Old 05-17-2014, 05:47 PM   #989
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Re: Joke of the Day

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife,"What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I’d take my half and leave you" she says.

"Great", he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch"
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Old 05-19-2014, 07:13 PM   #990
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Re: Joke of the Day

It was Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary. Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.


"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father."Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived and said, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the third son arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too"
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