SmashMouth

A neutron walks into a bar.

He orders politely, finishes his beer, and throws $5 on the bar. The bartender pushes it back and says, “For you, no charge”

dam1953

FYI... This was Boudreaux / Thibodeaux & Marie on the bayou about 30 years ago.

SmashMouth

A man is walking in a graveyard

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

SmashMouth

A man is walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he sees something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurries towards the object, only to find a little old man sitting at a table with a bunch of ties laid out.
The parched wanderer asks, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man at the table, nonchalantly, replies, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The man, annoyed, replies, "I don't need a tie, I need water!"
"Well, don't be mad," says the little old man, "if you go over that hill and walk for about 3 miles, there's a restaurant there. They have all the water you need."
With no other option, the man thanks him and walks over the hill, desperately hoping for water.

Three hours later, the man trudges back to the little old man's place, and he is more desperate than ever:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

SmashMouth

Two fish were in a tank.

One said to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

SmashMouth

The USDA just took my uncle's land so it could set up an experimental lettuce farm.

Eminent romaine

SmashMouth

A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

SmashMouth

SmashMouth

Three pieces of string are walking down the streets of Laredo. It is hot and dry and one of the pieces of string says “I’d like a beer. Let’s go in here.”

They were in front of a local business that was open like things used to be before Covid. They all agreed and walked in. They decided they only needed one beer, so one piece of string goes up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” The string says yes and the bartender throws him out. Saying, “I do not serve string in my establishment.”

So the second piece of string says, everyone likes me, I’ll go in and get a beer for us. He walks in and walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” and the string answers in the affirmative. The bartender picks up the piece of string and walks him to the door and unceremoniously throws him out into the street.

So now the three pieces of string are convinced the bartender will never serve a beer to any piece of string, so what are they to do. The third piece of string says “I’ve got an idea.” He kind of turns himself into a pretzel. frays one end of himself and walks into the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can not believe the third piece of string has walked into his bar. He bends down and says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” The piece of string straightens himself as much as possible and says, “Frayed knot.”

SmashMouth

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."