dam1953

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

saintfan

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job.
He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help.
She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
She then reached into Trump’s pocket and got out $20.
She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.00.

Now, do you understand the difference between a Conservative and a Liberal progressive?

C'mon Man...

Crusader

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Crusader

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

Crusader

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.

Crusader

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Crusader

Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

dam1953

Labor Day...

A good old union boy goes out to Las Vegas for a convention. While he's out there, he decides to see if he can find a union brothel.

He goes to a house and asks, "Is this a union house?" The madam says, "No."
He asks, "If I give you $100 for a girl for the night, how much would the girl get?"

The madam says, "The girl would get $20, the house would get $80."

This makes the union man mad...this is not paying good wages to the employees, not taking care of them. He leaves and checks a few more brothels. Finally, a madam assures him, "Yes, this IS a union house."

The union man asks, "OK, If I give you $100 for a girl for the night, how much would the girl get?"

The madam assures him, "The girl would get $80, the house would get $20."
This makes the union rep happy...taking care of the girls, paying them good wages. He pulls out $100, hands it to the madam, and says, "I'll take that blonde over there for the evening."

The madam motions to this big, fat 55 year old woman with no teeth sitting in the other corner. She tells the union guy, "I'm sorry...I know what you want, but Big Ethel here has seniority."

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

dam1953

A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

WhoDat!656

One day out on the golf course, a golfer overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled," the woman said. "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on," the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse."

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly!" the woman said with a smile, "she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart,"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."