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A lady shopping at a mall ran into her long, lost boyfriend who had just been discharged from the US Army. They went to Starbuck's to catch up, and followed that with dinners, movies, etc., until they eventually got married.
It was their honeymoon night, and the lady was very happy with her new husband, but she was concerned since they had not consummated their marriage that night. 2 weeks passed, and still nothing had happened. The lady decided to take matters in her own hands, so when her husband came home from work that night and after dinner as he was in his recliner reading the newspaper, she came into the room dressed in a flimsy nightgown, pranced in front of the man until he put his paper down and looked up at her, and she said, "New York City, 1985." The man stared at her for a second, and then went back to reading his paper. The lady went back to her bedroom, and this time returned in a very skimpy, thong bikini. She again pranced in front of the man until he again put his paper down for a second, stared at the girl as she said, "French Riviera, 1995." The man looked for a second and went back to reading his paper. The lady went back to her bedroom, returned totally nude, pranced in front of the man until he put his paper down and looked at her as she said, "Baker Beach, San Francisco, CA, USA, 2011!" After staring for a few seconds, the man finally stood up, dropped his trousers, dropped his shorts, only to reveal that he was missing one essential part for love making. He says to the girl, "Afghanistan, 2010!" |
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says,'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' |
The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file ......... The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." |
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A man was standing on a street corner waiting to cross. A blind man with a seeing-eye dog was waiting also.
While waiting, the man saw the seeing-eye dog piss on the blind man's leg. The man was astonished to see the blind man give his dog a treat. The man says to the blind man, "Why are you rewarding your dog? He just pissed on your leg!" The blind man says, "I'm not rewarding him! I'm trying to find his head so I can kick him in the a-s-s!!" |
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" "These are Carols," the man replied. |
4 nuns were killed in a car crash and were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven.
St. Peter arrives to let them in and tells them that he must ask them each a question before they can enter Heaven. St. Peter asks the first nun if she had ever had been intimate with a man in any way. The nun says that she had seen a naked man once. St. Peter tells her that he must cleanse her and washes her eyes with Holy Water and then welcomes her into Heaven. St. Peter askes the next nun if she had ever been intimate with a man. She replies that she had once touched a man's penis. St. Peter tells her he must cleanse her also. While washing the nun's hands with Holy Water, he hears a noise and sees the other 2 nuns fighting on the floor. St. Peter rushes over and tells the nuns, "Ladies!! This is no way to act in Heaven!! What is the problem here?" One nun says, "If you think I am going to gargle with that water after she washes her a-s-s, you've got another thing coming!" |
U know ifin U'r in a REDNECK CHURCH...
> 1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. > > 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. > > 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.... > When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up. > > 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. > > 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!) > > 6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". > > 7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. > > 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. > > 9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.. > > 10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. > > 11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy. > > 12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call. > > 13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. > > 14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". > > 15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... > "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. > > 16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... > The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear". > > God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers > |
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy 'bout it all, She told her Pappy so. Pappy told her, Susie gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon Yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is Yo' half brother. So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling Pappy this, He said, 'There's trouble still'. You can't marry Will, My gal, And please don't tell Yo' Mother. But Will and Joe, and several mo' I know is Yo' half brother. But Mama knew and said, My child, Just do what makes Yo' happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to Pappy. |
Did you hear about the Sale at the Penn State campus gift shop?
Have you guys heard about the sale at the Penn State campus gift shop?
Little Boys underwear half-off. |
Since we've broached that topic...
http://i950.photobucket.com/albums/a...e_sandusky.gif http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...69923584_n.jpg |
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken! |
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget." |
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons." |
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." |
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" |
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..." |
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down." |
The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. |
If an older woman chasing a younger man is a "Cougar
Then what is an older man chasing younger boys? A Nittany Lion?.. LOL |
Also known as...
Dead Man Walking
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It's so terrible lol!
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My butt hurts.
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LOL
You can stretch your avatar out by .0000000000001 centimeter if you want. :p |
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach, with their uncle stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After rowing out to sea for a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side and, finding the water only knee deep, said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they row a little further... Again, Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think were out far enough now?" Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest." So on they row, and row and row. Finally, they stop and, once again, Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface! Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel." |
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir! |
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Last night I was talking to a good looking young woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch. I can't got back to that KFC |
A hippie with long hair, beard, worn-out clothes died in a car accident and was met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. When St. Peter saw the young man, he informed him that he would not be allowed in heaven looking like that. He told him to go back, shower, shave, get a hair cut, and put on a long white robe. The hippie did these things and returned to the gate. St. Peter was delighted, and allowed the young man to come inside.
The man had not been inside more than a few seconds when another hippie-looking guy with long hair, unshaven beard, and tattered clothes comes ripping by him on a Harley, hits a mud puddle and splashes mud all over the young hippie's new white robe. The hippie looks at St. Peter and says, "Hey...wait a minute! You wouldn't let me in here looking like that...why is he allowed?" St. Peter answers, "Well...that's JC. His old man owns this place." |
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" |
Was banging this lady when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran; but you don't get offers like that every day!! |
Keep this between us guys!!
Maybe I should take the wife horse-riding!! ROTFLMMFWAO!!!
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Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages of food, wine and women.
Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to flee, except for one young man, who had an 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food and wine" they demanded. The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread and a half bottle of wine! "War is War, bring us the food and wine!" the soldiers demanded. So he gives his last morsel of food and gulp of wine. "Now, bring us a woman!" "But the only woman here is my 80 year old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us!" The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'" Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!" |
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure |
Little Johnny when presented with the fact that on average women live 5 years longer than men, and women also talk about 30,000 more words per day. He knew from experience that his mom could get mad over almost nothing. When asked why men died sooner, little Johnny took one look at this withered old grandma and said the answer was obvious. "It's because we want to."
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care. :-) |
Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour
one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get nasty when you're drunk." |
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