What's the difference between a Republican and a toilet?

The toilet's only full of crap until you pull the handle.

Two guys are sitting around talking about politics.

One of them asks the other, "So why are you a Democrat?"

"Because my daddy and granddaddy were Democrats," was the man's reply.

"What if your daddy and granddaddy were horse thieves?"

"In that case, I guess I'd be a Republican."

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a
restaurant for something cool to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the
restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied
under that tree outside?"

The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't
need bread. She isn't hungry' cause I fed
her this morning."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't
understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"

The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well,
go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

A very good amateur golfer lost his arm in an industrial accident. Following rehab, he tried to learn to play golf again with just one arm but never could quite get the hang of it. He became so depressed he decided to commit suicide.
As he was standing on the roof of a tall building getting ready to jump he looked down and saw guy this skipping around as happy as can be. As he took even a closer look, he noticed the guy skipping had no arms. Now - he was ashamed of himself. Here he was - with one arm - feeling sorry for himself - ready to end it all — and there’s a guy on the ground with no arms - as happy as could be.

So - instead of jumping he decided to go down and thank the guy for saving his life. When he got down off the roof and caught up with him, he said - I want to thank you for saving my life. Here I am - one arm and ready to commit suicide - and yet I see you with NO arms, happy as can be. I’m ashamed of myself.

The guy with no arms says — Well I’m happy I saved your life but I’m not happy otherwise -— my ASS itches

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin & Queen Elizabeth hears this they ask the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, “ Since Obama took over, the United States has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down.

From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.”

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life!” Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!”

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White..

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?!" he asked.

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..." -

An American, a Brit and a Irishman are sitting at the bar. A fly lands in each of their beers. They all 3 look at each other in amazement.

The Brit exclaims... "I'm not drinking that lads, its got a bloody fly in it!"

The American calmly scoops the fly out of his mug with a spoon, laughs at the Brit and takes a huge swig and winks at the Brit.

The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer with his fingers and yells... "Spit it out you farking bastadd, that's mine, spit it out!!!"

That's a good one Danno. Here's a classic, 1 liner:


MATT RYAN


get it?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

The Pope and Obama are on a stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope backhands Obama and knocks him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, ” I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?”
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
” Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

I'd remember that too.

My wife left a note on the fridge: “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not quite sure what she was talking about.

Obama is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.

On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh."

An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

A little boy asked his father: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

Doctor visit

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer".

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind her and hauled her into the woods. He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her. Looking quite pleased, he looked at her and asked, "what are you going to tell Mother Superior?"

"I'm going to tell her the truth," she said. "A man grabbed me, pulled me into the woods, and had his way with me...twice! If he's not too tired?!"

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Old Jack had moments to live. At his side were his family, his wife and four sons, three of which had blonde hair, the other ginger.

"Clara, I've always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Tell me truthfully, is he really my son?"

Clara put her hand on her heart and fervently swore that yes, he was his son.

"Oh thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply, "Good thing he didn't ask about the other three."

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Why" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me wife."

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Maria had just married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

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O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"

His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."

She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean...It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Nancy Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.

The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2”, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an ‘attitude suitability test’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and shoot everything on this list”:

* six illegal aliens,

* six lawyers,

* six meth dealers,

* six Muslim extremists,

* six Democrats,

* and a rabbit.

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“Great attitude. You pass.” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

My wife screamed at me: “Leave!! Get out of this house!” she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

So I turned around and said, “So now you want me to stay?

Re: Joke of the Day
 

http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/20...a5e07727e1.jpg

From an English Professor -- Short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of using capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, or, helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that?

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The "United Way" discovers that it has never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer pays the lawyer a visit in his lavish suite of offices.

The volunteer opens the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . .. no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And then lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you???"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A sex therapist is researching goat-sex in the Middle East.

First he visits Mahmud, an Iraqi goat herder on the outskirts of Baghdad. "Tell me" he says, "What method do you use for goat sex?"

Mahmud replies, "Well I trap her head in a fig bush then attack from behind."

Next, the therapist goes to Egypt and visits Amar who works on the banks of the Nile, and asks him the same question. "Well" says Amar, "I push her into the mud and when her back legs are stuck strong I grab her from behind and give it to her real good."

Finally he Visits Abdul in the Gaza strip and again asks the same question. Abdul answers, ""I stick her left front leg over my right shoulder and her right front leg over my left shoulder and as she stands on her back legs facing me ..."

"Hold on" interrupts the researcher, "this is unusual".

"Unusual?" asks Abdul, "In what way?"

"Well," says the researcher, "all the other Arabs take the goat from behind, none of them face the sheep--"

"What"! exclaims Abdul, "No kissing?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A Muslim wife became concerned about her unemployed husband’s mood swings.

To help her determine what mood he was going into, she bought him one of those rings that changes color to indicate change of mood.

When he’s in a good mood, it’s green, and if he gets upset, it leaves a huge red mark on her forehead.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Another Muslim wife misplaced her diary recently. Since it was written in Arabic, the guy who found it had to have it translated.

In English it read as follows:

Monday - stayed in
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - stayed in
Thursday - stayed in
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in
Sunday - stayed in

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Dey got this old drunk Cajun in Sout Luziana who walks out of a bar wit his truck keys in his hand and he's stumbling, weaving and anything but walking straight.

Well now, a state trooper on duty sees him and approaches......

Can I help you sir, he asks...???

"Yesss ssssiree, he say." "Dam... it look like somebody has done stole my truck, he says!"

Where was your truck the last time you saw it, ask the trooper!

Well sha, it was rat here on the end of diss key what I got rite here.....replied the drunk...!!!!

About this time the trooper looks down and sees the man's 'willy' hanging out of his fly where the whole world can see....!!!!

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware you are exposing yourself....???

Momentarily confused, the drunk, he looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out........

"Aw hell...!!!" "my girlfriend's gone too....!!!"

Re: Joke of the Day