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Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old
grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old b i t c h! " |
There was a man named Jones and he played 3rd string center for a
pro football team. Friday came around and he started to feel ill. As the weekend went on he got worse. It came time for the game on Monday night and he could not get out of bed. His wife told him to go cause they needed the money and that all he had to do is sit on the bench. Feeling real ill he told his wife that he could not go. She gets the idea to dress in is his uniform and just sit on the bench in his place because he almost never plays. During the first quarter the first string center gets knocked out. During the 2nd quarter the 2nd string center gets knocked out. The coach yells "Jones get in there," so she goes out onto the field and immediately gets knocked out. Twenty minutes later she wakes up finding the coach over her pushing on her tits saying, "Don't worry Jones when we get your balls back down your dick will pop out." |
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice: ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes, actually I have’ she says. The man replies.. ‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’ |
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Warning for Men!
Clever Scam!! This is very serious stuff! Warn your friends to be vigilant. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack. These girls will not give up, they have proven it over and over again with me. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's Club, Wal-Mart, and Target. So please, send this along to all the men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) BE CAREFUL OUT THERE! |
In response to the Department of Homeland Security's recent announcements about threat alerts, John Cleese had this to say.
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE By John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person-and of Monty Python films |
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude." |
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. Watching your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will search for a golf ball! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q.Why is a divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is a Yankee? A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. Both want a tight seal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? A: 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . Because they don't have balls to scratch! |
A man goes into a bar and asks for 2 double martinis. "Wow," the bartender says, "it's only 2:00. You must have had a really bad day."
"Yeah," the man replies. "First I had an accident on the way to work that made me 2 hours late for a meeting with an important client. Then my boss fired me for being late. So I went home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I told her I was leaving her, packed my bags, and came here." "That is pretty bad," says the bartender. "What did you say to your best friend?" "Bad dog!" |
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Two blondes were at work when one decided she needed to take some time off from work.
She knew the Boss would not allow her to take off, so she thought that maybe if she acted crazy then he would tell her to take a few days off. So she hung upside down on the ceiling and started making funny noises. Her co-worker asked her what she was doing. She told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think she was crazy and give her a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What are you doing?' The blonde told him she was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.', so the blonde walked out of the office. When her blonde friend followed her, the boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!' She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark. |
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Joke of the year.
The Falcons. |
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he
applied for membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish. Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt? Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too. Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt? Scot: Aye, and neither do I. Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room? Scot: Aye, I also do the same. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct? Scot: Aye, I be that, too. Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different than theirs. Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete p-r-i-c-k to join a golf club!! |
*** NEWS FLASH ***
I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Il's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea -- a nuclear power! After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) hadNO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, let alone coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!!! Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here, We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country. Never mind. |
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's! Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. |
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The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! |
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole." |
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." |
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' |
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .” Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check." Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do." Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" |
I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package today.
It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon. |
LSU(offense)
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Two Coffees in Heaven!
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohamed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?' 'Why no,' he answers, ' I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still.' Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.' Mohamed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delightand climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?' Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!' |
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Phucking Mexican' ! |
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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics
of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. " Do you notice anything different about me?"To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one phuckin' ear." |
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “ California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, a local newspaper in Houma, LA reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Bayou Cane, Amil, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Amil has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless". |
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton Die on the same day and they both go Before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular Reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, They’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, And I’m sure it will please God to be able to see Them every day, for Eternity.’ The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, Her Majesty wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, ‘Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.’ Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?’ ‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are! |
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone” MOD EDIT.... You're killing me with these jokes. FF |
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<gasp> haaaaa...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah hah hah.... <whew!> :lolup: |
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.” A large mysterious cod appeared & said, “Your wish is granted” & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”,came the reply. Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again.” Christian replied,”No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, & I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.” Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed....I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian.” |
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported: "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said, "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." |
Quantas Repair Report
"Brevity is the soul of wit" - so gripe sheets are a perfect place to display that skill. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. |
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" |
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can someone explain what TO.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L . written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love". The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying " F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams. "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means, "From Us Colored Kids |
At lunchtime a little boy and girl always sat together and each ate a chicken salad sandwich.
One day at lunch, the little girl ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The little boy asked her, "Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a chicken salad sandwich?" The little girl says, "I'm not eating chicken salad sandwiches anymore; I have eaten so many I am starting to grow feathers down there!" The little boy says, "Let me see!" So the little girl lifts up her dress and the little boy says, "Wow!" A few days later at lunch, the little boy unwraps a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The little girl asks, "Why aren't you eating a chicken salad sandwich?" The little boy says, "I'm not eating chicken salad sandwiches anymore either! I have eaten so many that I am starting to grow feathers down there too!" The little girl says, "Let me see!" So the little boy pulls down his pants and the little girl looks and says, "Hell! You might as well go back to eating chicken salad sandwiches; you already are growing a neck and gizzards!" |
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. |
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