Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely NOT! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Friday I put a deposit on a new Porsche and posted on Facebook, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"

Today I have 5,000 new Muslim freinds!

Hoe down.

No, not a dance. Heard most often on the Oakland Police Force radio.

Politically incorrect jokes.

In a pub quiz the other day, I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa .

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that ‘iTouch Kids’ is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said; "Her brother's got a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

Tom visits Dave who's laid up with a broken leg.
Dave says's "My feet are freezing mate, can you do me a favour and nip upstairs and get my slippers please?"
"No problem" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twins daughters are sitting on their beds.
"Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you two"
"F**k off you liar!" they both reply.
"I'll prove it" says Tom.
He shouts downstairs "Both of them Dave?"
"Of course! Whats the point of f**king one?"

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife sir?".

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is".

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

I said, "I know, but she has a great personality"

A couple of Falcons fans get married and on the first night she say's "Please be gentle with me, I've never had sex before!".

He rushes outside and phones his Dad, "Dad she's a virgin, what should I do?".


"Come home son" his father replies, "If she's not good enough for her own Family, she's not good enough for you".

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week’

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age,
Maxine, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a hush and you could heard a pin drop.

He answered impatiently, "If I have told you once, Maxine, I have told you a hundred times... What we have is.. Blue Cross!"

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Philadelphia , I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't ever get a colonoscopy done in San Francisco .

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the SouthernRedneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of
this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

LOLOL! Good one Hulka.

A businessman is driving through a desolate area to an important meeting and has a flat tire.

As he takes the flat tire off, it falls over and hits the hubcap where he put the lug nuts, causing them to scatter in the grass.

As he looks for the missing lugnuts, he gets more and more aggravated when he realizes that he is going to miss his meeting.

After giving up on finding the missing lugnuts, he looks up and down the highway for any signs of a garage or place that he can get his flat fixed and notices that he is stopped next to an insane asylum.

An inmate has been watching the salesman's problems.

The salesman is muttering under his breath about his situation and wondering how he is going to get back on the road.

The inmate says to the salesman, "Why don't you take one lugnut from the other 3 tires to mount the spare until you can get to a garage?"

The salesmen thinks about it a few minutes and thinks that it will work.

As he is tightening the last lugnut, he asks the inmate, "That was a great idea; why are in an insane asylum?"

The inmate says, "I may be crazy, but I'm not crazy!"

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.

He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of
dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress of
one year being clean and sober).

He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.

By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.

About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his
friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends as well as his gay
friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.

"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many
asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it
some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.

"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just when I quit smoking I found
everything tasted different."

A tough looking group of bikers were riding, when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”.

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it ! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”


Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune!

I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”


The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”


The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning - intercourse or golfcourse’

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

“You can’t do that!” cried the Coloradan.

“No, no, it’s legal here in Texas” replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks “No problem” draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

“But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!” protests the Coloradan.

“It is,” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait!!”

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra," he says. "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving."

“Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

“You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, “That fox is back again… I’m a gonna git him!” “Stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids!

“My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy’s crack!”

“Miss Russell, we all been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children…


"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

On his birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old Indian handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he asked,
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, my friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle!

31 THINGS SOUTHERN BOYS WILL NEVER SAY...

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4. I don’t have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA

While hiking down along the border this morning, a Texan saw a Muslim extremist and an illegal immigrant fall into the Rio Grande River.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. The illegal immigrant was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have probably drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps...

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important *****, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, **** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

Here's some Chuck Norris FACTS!:

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

The Flinstones give their children Chuck Norris vitamins

Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.

Chuck Norris can bake a cake in the freezer

If it smells like chicken, looks like chiken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, it's freaking beef!!!!

The secret ingredient in all of today's energy/power drinks is that they contain small droplets of Chuck Norris' sweat.

Chuck Norris can drink a solid

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Chuck Norris went to a McDonalds and ordered a Whooper.....and got one!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."



Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!

Danno is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what Danno is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks Danno, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

Danno whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"