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A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."
The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?" The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything." |
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?"
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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. |
Imagine.... Zooey with 4 boobs.... Ahhhhhh....
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A guy walks into a bar in Atlanta and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?’ “No,” replies the man, “I’m from Massachusetts.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Massachusetts?” “I’m a taxidermist,” said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?” “The man says, “I mount animals.” The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!” |
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http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vRvAnlV-im.../big-teeth.jpg http://www.2funnycats.com/kittens/20...-big-teeth.jpg |
A blonde is flying in a two-seat airplane with the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . .." |
Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are in pain no one sees your hurt. Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your stress. Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile. - - But FART !! just ONE friggin' time and everybody knows!! Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories! Send this on to your friends -- Make them laugh! |
A teacher asked her third year class to name things that ended with“tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator." "Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't actually eat anything." “ Well, my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!" |
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. |
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral. |
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Obama's new campainge slogan is called "Winning the Future"
http://www.polderdash.com/wp-content...the-future.jpg Or as Fox News likes to call it WTF? |
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I see your Obama...
and raise you!!
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http://www.blogula-rasa.com/wp-conte...ilObamaCat.jpg |
I could do this all night!!
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Dirty Things You Can Only Say on Thanksgiving.
1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. That's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up! |
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, "Well, if he's found guilty." Late Show With David Letterman It used to that when you were going to fly someplace you would get dressed up, put on a tie and a jacket and have a couple of martinis. And that was just the pilot. Jimmy Kimmel Live! In olden times, Thanksgiving was the one day of year that people in the country overate. Now we do it all 365 days. Late Night With Jimmy Fallon President Obama came home after a nine-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs. |
Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones." |
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
when St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. the couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" |
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money." |
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ___________________________________________________ A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!" |
Mohammad entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," answered the kid. "Here in France, there is no Mohammad. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher. in the evening, Mohammad returned home. ... "How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammad. I am in France and my name is Jean-Francois." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name?! Are you trying to disown your parents?! Your heritage?! Shame on you!" And she beat him. Then she called the father and he beat him very hard. The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened my little Jean-Francois?" "Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming French, I was attacked by two Arabs." |
Prayer for Leroy
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week." |
The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people was waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.” |
Two blondes walk into a building.
You woulda thought the 2nd woulda noticed. |
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . .." |
A few of this jokes have already been told.
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Sorry if I have re-posted something
I am pretty sure I have already posted this
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Remember these people can vote!! |
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A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of the most expensive whiskey they have and tells the bartender he is celebrating.
The bartender asks, "What are you celebrating"? The man says "I am celebrating my first blowjob"! The bartender says, "Congratulations! Let me give you another shot on the house"! The man says, "No thanks! If this one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, then two won't help"! |
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket and a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said "They're Republicans." Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open." |
Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight"; Johnny did so without error.
"Very good, now what does it mean?", asked the teacher. Little Johnny said, "Without water in it!" |
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