Re: Joke of the Day
 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette, Mi. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
...
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender. The
robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot
brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is
curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,
"What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings
the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The
robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU
Tigers. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he
will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him
his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still
happy with Barrack Obama?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, “Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, “Please, tell us what the resurrection is.”

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice “When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!”

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces and says... 'In Mexico, we have so much sand, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In Texas, we have so many god damn Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Why is hitting on either spouse if they are mute fair gaime?

Because neither are spoken for.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

a boy comes home from school one day and finds his father in the garage doing some work. the father notices he has a troubled look on his face.
dad: son is something wrong
son: the teacher told us for homework we have to learn the difference between theoretically and realistically. i never heard of either.
dad: i think i can help with this, boy, no need to worry. what i want you to do is go in the house and ask your sister and your mother if they would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
the boy runs into the house and is gone for a few minutes then returns to the garage.
dad: well what did they say?
son: they both said "yes".
dad: ok son listen carefully. theoretically we are sitting on two million bucks but realistically we are living with two whores.
...................................................................................
a sandwich walks into a bar and orders a draft beer. the bartender says
"im sorry but we dont serve food here"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

My one day of employment with Walmart.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3MCDc9JcKx...me_2790331.jpg

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."


My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.

When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk "Where do you keep the curtains for computers?" The clerk answers with a puzzled face "Curtains for computers? You don't need curtains for computers." The blonde's eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers "Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wife asks Hubby, "How many women have you slept with?"

Hubby replies, "Just you, sweetheart, I was awake with all the others."

And That's When The Fight Started...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wife and Hubby were shown into the dentist's office, where Hubby made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Hubby turned to his wife and said, "Show him, honey."

And That's When The Fight Started...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wife and Hubby were sitting in the cool of the evening on the veranda. Suddenly Hubby says gently, “I love you.”

Wife smiles shyly, and asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?

Hubby replies, “It’s me... talking to the wine."

And That's When The Fight Started...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Wife and Hubby listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’

Hubby leaned over, touched Wife's hand gently, and whispered, ‘Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn’t it?’

And That's When The Fight Started...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

After retiring, Hubby went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

Hubby looked in my pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So Hubby opened his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed the application.

When he got home, Hubby excitedly told Wife about what happened.

Wife said, 'You should have dropped your pants too; you might have gotten Disability, too.'

And That's When The Fight Started...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A blonde left home for college, and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice," she splutters.

"I did?" responds her father, "What did I tell you?"

"Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble," explains the blonde, sniffing.

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country," he remarks. "There must be some mistake....."

"I don't think so," she interrupts, "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”; She said “It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid. I asked “What does President’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An Italian tourist asks a blonde, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blonde replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts blonde back:
"Pour some luke-warm water over it."

Blonde texts back:
"Computer ruined now."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Re: Joke of the Day
 

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

Political Joke Archives - State Mottos

Re: Joke of the Day
 

From an English Professor -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

65% of the female population have a good sexlife. I don't have enough time for the rest of them.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s bull**** – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy from Mississippi came running into the store and tells his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender, "I want a glass of your best champagne! I am celebrating my first blow job!"

The bartender says, "Congratulations!! Let me give you one on the house!"

The man says, No thanks; if one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, to hell with it!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

So I put out an ad in the newspaper yesterday saying "Wife wanted".
Today I got 500 letters in the mail saying "You can have mine".

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"