When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently - ice is really bad for you! Warn all your friends . . . .

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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...........



”OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Now that was funny. I had heard it before but forgot...so thanks for reminding me...I will have to put that one into the repotoire.(sp?)

Anyway...here's a slightly different version.

Guy dies and goes to hell...devil gives him 3 alternatives...or 3 doors in which he has to choose one for eternity.

He looks into the first door and people are standing on their heads on a bed of nails. Blood is oozing from their heads so he decides to look into the next door.

Inside the next door people are standing on their heads on broken glass. Again, blood is oozing from their heads, so he looks into the last door.

Here, people are standing in $hit up to their waists and drinking coffee. It is pretty gross but better than the other 2 alternatives. So...he opts for this door and as soon as he walks in he is handed a cup of coffee. He finds a pleasant young lady to have conversation with, and then, after a couple of minutes, a loud voice is heard overhead through the intercom...

"OK...COFFEE BREAK OVER! EVERYBODY GET BACK ON THEIR HEADS!!"

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed. De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?' Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?' Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?' Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.'


Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you passed gas yet?' 'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport!'

I had a real "LOL"...:)

An elephant was drinking at a riverbank one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambled over and kicked the turtle across the river.


"Why did you do that?" asked a passing giraffe.


"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."


"Wow, you have quite a memory," commented the giraffe.


"Yes," said the elephant,"I have turtle recall."

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

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A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .

The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .

The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'


The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

LOGIC 101

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine
this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000
troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22
months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm
death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per
100,000 for the same period.

That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot
and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest
gun control laws in the U.S. , than you are in Iraq."

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington .

I don't get the math here?? 2112/1.6=1320 deaths per 100,000 soldiers.

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying a nymphomaniac.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....and the maniac stays.

I love Christmas lights.

They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together; half of them don’t work, and the ones that do, aren’t that bright.

A blonde's radio suddenly stopped working.


She opened the back of the case, found a dead ****roach in it,
and cried out, "Oh my God, the singer is dead!"

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

Viqueen Jokes
 

What does a wrecked car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
Neither has a title!

Why can’t Minnesota Viking players eat cereal for breakfast?
Whenever they get too close to a “bowl” they choke!

Where do you go in MINNEAPOLIS in case of a tornado?
To the Metrodome - they never get a touchdown there!

What do you call a MINNESOTA VIKING with a SuperBowl ring?
THIEF!

WHY THE CHRISTMAS TREE HAS AN ANGEL ON THE TOP.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Amil comes out of the bayou after a day of fishing and his pirogue is about to sink it has so many fish.

On his way, he is stopped by the game warden.

The game warden says, "Amil, I hope you have a license for all those fish!"

Amil, says, "I don't need a license, these are my pet fish!"

Game warden asks, "What do you mean those are your pet fish?"

Amil says, "Once a week I bring them all out to the bayou, let them swim around for 20-30 minutes, see their family, exercise, eat and then I call them back to the pirogue and I load them up and take them back home. Would you like to see?"

The game warden says, "Hell yeah!"

So Amil dumps the fish out, and after 30 minutes the game warden says, "Well?"

Amil says, "Well what?"

Game warden says, "What about all those fish?"

Amil says,"What fish?"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Five Important Qualities in Women...

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.

He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."

"Then you're a queer."

If sex burns calories, why are there so many fat sluts?

Once upon a time, a young Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

And The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Position of the Day: The Ikea Sale
 

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your t*** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

The Atlanta Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Atlanta.

For the first offense, they give you two Atlanta Falcons tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 53 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A. The Atlanta Falcons.

Q. What do the Atlanta Falcons and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.


Q. How do you keep an Atlanta Falcon out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Atlanta Falcon with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Atlanta Falcons
and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Atlanta Falcons does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

VIDEO - Position of the day: The TomKat
 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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Santa - The best of them all!

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and is
asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?

Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust



5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur , 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.