Two Norwegians from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.


The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.


At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."


He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: ...


... "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.


"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Lars, hengliding."

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a good look at you.”

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

The $50.00 Lesson,



Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my
neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she
wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked
her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull
weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to
the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him
the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

Pat Yasinkas

I don't get it!!

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "**** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No ****?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'--duhhhhh!

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, *****, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish *****. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Here are some one liner Why ask Why's


If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

More one liner why's


Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

And one for the Marines here:


Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store in a local shopping center Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

The jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

An Arab enters a taxi

Once he is seated, he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religion, he must not hear music and in the time of the prophet, there was no music; especially Western music, which is music of the infidel.

So, the cab driver promptly switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks: What are you doing?

The cabbie replies: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a camel!

An Arab boards a plane and takes his seat next to the window.

A few minutes later, another Arab takes the center seat in the same row.

Just before the plane finishes boarding, a man in civilian clothes and is obviously in the Marines, takes his seat next to the aisle and takes his shoes off.

After the plane reaches cruising altitude, the Arab next to the window gets up saying he wants to get a Coke.

The Marine tells him that he will get it for him.

After the Marine leaves, the Arab spits in one of his shoes.

A few after returning with the soda, the Arab in the middle seat says he wants to a Coke also.

The Marine tells him, "Stay seated. I'll get it for you!"

After the Marine leaves, this Arab spits in his other shoe.

The Marine returns and gives the Arab his beverage.

As the plane begins to land, the Marine puts his shoes on and realizes what has happened.

The Marines turns to the two Arabs and says, "This behaviour has to stop! Arabs spitting in shoes. Marines pissing in your Cokes!"

http://totallyfail.org/wp-content/th...-epic-fail.jpg

http://ownednfail.com/wp-content/upl...0/07/youth.jpg

http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/u...-fail-mice.jpg

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it would be nice to have another kid.”

You never hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts.”

Case closed.

Jenny Craig - For Men

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5 lbs. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from Jenny Craig dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day - 10 lbs. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such
luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 10 lbs., as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 15
lbs. program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This
is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 lbs. that week. . .

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles; this was something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he asked her, "Why do you enjoy doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I really miss mine."

Knock Knock,
Whos there?
Boo
Boo who?
There is no need to cry about it!

Sir: Which is the most dangerous alphabet?
Al Bundy: ‘W’.
Because all “Worries” start from W.
Top Examples:
Who.
What.
Why.
When
Whom.
Where.
War.
Wine.
Whisky.
And finally…
Wife (Worries Invited For Ever.)

My missus asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies. So I stuck it up her arse and came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, *****!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films...

A man and his wife are driving along in the car when they notice a skunk lying in the gutter...

they stop the car and pick it up...

wife: "look its shivering it must be cold"

Man: "put it between your legs to keep it warm"

Wife: "what about the smell?"

Man: "hold its nose"

A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic.....

"Nothing serious love, just crap in the air filter." says the mechanic.

"Brilliant" she replies.... "How often do I have to do that?"

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,"Only you Darling-with all the others I was awake!"

A blonde's dog went missing and she became inconsolable.

Her friend suggested, "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?"

She did, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you write in the ad?" the friend asked.

The blonde replied, "Here boy."

A boy asked his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and says: 'Son, this shows your friends and
relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son and says: 'Boy, all household appliances come in white.'

A young fellow named Benny who was in the mob in Chicago confided to a friend that he was going to leave the mob and lead a normal life.

His friend said, "Benny, you can't do that. Nobody quits the organization. They'll track you down and kill you!"

But he did anyway. He moved to Los Angeles, grew a beard for disguise, got a regular job and got married. Several years went by and there was no problem with the mob.

So one day he decided there was no danger any more and went into a barber shop and had his beard shaved off. A few steps outside the shop he was spotted by a mob hit man and shot dead.

His grieving wife had him cremated and kept his ashes in an urn on the mantle. The moral of the story:

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.