foreverfan

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears... Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing... You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one...

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Everything on black 6.' Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures the frog can't miss so what the heck.

Then Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you...
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.' He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.. and with a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

Crusader

Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I was looking for Sex.”

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too!” When I said “But this is a dog,” he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was two years old.”

He replied, “You must have been a strong boy.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.”

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night”, and the clerk said,”Me too.”

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, “Show off!” I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married” and the Judge said, “Me too.”

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, “Me too.”

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”

I replied, “Well, Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s so lonely.”

The doctor said, “Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"

Crusader

The New Priest’s First Mass

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax. The Bishop said, "Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly."

The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop...

1.Next time sip, rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4.David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the **** out of him.
5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
6.Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
7.We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8.We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9.The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
10.And last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the cherry."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Married Life – Going To The Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...and then she lived happily ever after.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

My Wife Has No Sense Of Humor

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we're laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember...

WhoDat!656

Dave was recently married and was at a bar with his friends.

One of the guys asked him, "So! How are you liking married life?"

Dave says, "I don't like it worth a damn! I've been married 6 months and we only have sex 3 times a week!"

Guy responds, "That aint nothing! I know 6 guys she cut out all together!"

WhoDat!656

I know I will get in trouble for this!