WhoDat!656

A blonde left home for college, and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice," she splutters.

"I did?" responds her father, "What did I tell you?"

"Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble," explains the blonde, sniffing.

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country," he remarks. "There must be some mistake....."

"I don't think so," she interrupts, "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”; She said “It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid. I asked “What does President’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t.”

WhoDat!656

An Italian tourist asks a blonde, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blonde replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

WhoDat!656

Blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts blonde back:
"Pour some luke-warm water over it."

Blonde texts back:
"Computer ruined now."

WhoDat!656

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

saintfan

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

Political Joke Archives - State Mottos

C'mon Man...

Mardigras9

From an English Professor -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

WhoDat!656

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Crusader

65% of the female population have a good sexlife. I don't have enough time for the rest of them.

Crusader

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s bull**** – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”