foreverfan

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Have gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.

foreverfan

I Can't Believe I Made It

WhoDat!656

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit intimidated. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops".

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

Two horny young boys see a dog licking himself.

One of the boys says, "I wish I could do that."
to which the other boy says... "You probably could...
but you might have to pet him first."

WhoDat!656

A baby seal walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender

"Anything but a Canadian Club!" replies the seal

WhoDat!656

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32" is the reply.

"Nope! I am 50!" the woman says happily.

Later she asks the counter girl at McDonalds the same question.

The girl replies, "I guess around 29."

The woman says with a big smile, "I am 50!"

Now she is really feeling good about herself. She stops in a drug store to buy some mints and asks the clerk the same question.

The clerk responds, "I'd say around 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50! But thank you!"

While waiting on the bus to go home, she asks a 78 yeard old man how old he thinks she is.

He reples, "Lady, I am 78 and my eyesight isn't too good. But when I was younger I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman is. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you exactly how old you are."

The woman thinks about it and see that there is no one else around and agrees to it.

The old man slips both of his hands under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

After a couple minutes of this, she says, "Okay, Okay... How old am I?"

He feels her breasts one last time and says, "Lady, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That is incredible! How could you tell?"

The old man says, "I was behind you at McDonalds!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

Beastmode

A blind guy goes to the lumber yard looking for a job. The management is skeptical of a blind man being able to work in a lumber yard but the blind man insists he can do the job. The yard foreman says, "if you can pass this test, you got a job".

He brings in a piece of lumber puts in on the desk, the blind guy sniffs it up and down and pronounces, "pine, 2x4, 8 feet long". The foreman is amazed but calls for another piece of lumber, blind guy sniffs it, says, "Douglas fir, 6x6, 10 foot long".

The foreman can't believe it so he gets the boss' secretary to come in quietly and lay down on the desk, blind guy sniffs her up and down, shakes his head and asks the foreman to turn it over, the blind guy sniffs again up and down and smiles, "you guys are trying to fool me, well, its five foot six inches and its the **** house door off a tuna boat".

Danno

I told my blonde secretary I was expecting a very important call from overseas.

During a meeting she comes in and says "You have an important call waiting".

I said, "is it from abroad?"

She says, "no, its a guy".