foreverfan

PG-13... WARNING... VERY STRONG LANGUAGE. Use of the F-Word....

Crusader

So I picked up this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh **** , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

WhoDat!656

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men
were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.

Then, one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, " 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door..

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."(Translated: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have **** in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

The local synagogue is having their taxes audited. The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?" The Rabbi quickly replies, "Well, we gather them up and send them back to the candle makers, and once a year they send us a complete box of candles." Slightly annoyed at this answer, the tax man makes another attempt to catch the Rabbi on something. He asks, "What do you do with the crumbs and leftovers of the cracker things you eat?" He is pleased with himself as the Rabbi takes a moment to think it over.

After a moment, the Rabbi replies, "Well, we gather them up, send them to the cracker company, and once a year they send us a complete box of crackers." At this point, the IRS agent is furious, and the Rabbi knows what's going on. In a last ditch effort, the agent asks, "Okay, and what about the leftover foreskins from your circumcisions? What do you do with those?" Without missing a beat, the Rabbi replies,

"Well, we gather them up, and send them to the IRS. Once a year, they send us a complete dick."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

WhoDat!656

Barack Obama at an elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total silence. Then, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Then he said into the microphone, "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in America dies because of gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl said, "Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!"

saintfan

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

C'mon Man...