foreverfan

foreverfan

Danno

I just threw up a little.

Crusader

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"

Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."
Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.
"So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!"
Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job: one was gay, and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He soon proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kickup your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

1:00 am came, however, and he didn't return. 2:00 and no hired hand. Finally he returned around 2:30, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her and said "Unbutton my blouse and take it off."

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks..." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A cowboy walks into a bar before he realizes it’s a gay bar.

“What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?”

The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan
‘Just Do It.’

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,
because ‘It really Satisfies'. “

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?”

The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”

The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”

The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on
tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call
yours?”

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because “’Quality is Job One” “ Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY.....’Like a Rock!’ And
gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a damn beer!”

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks “Why do you call it Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s ‘Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

Just in case it ever comes up

Crusader

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the damn thing!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.