Crusader

A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge a**holes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6 feet. The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?"

The black man replies, "Give it a badge and a radar gun".

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Crusader

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Crusader

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A guy walks into a bar and says "Hey bartender, I need a drink" So the bartender gets him a drink and asks is everything was ok. "Not really" the guy responds, "I was training in the Army and it didn't go so well." "How so?" the bartender asks. "Well we were base jumping and I got to the plane doors and got scared so I backed up, so my commanding officer told me to jump out or he'd shove his cock in my ass" "Damn, so did you jump?" the bartender asks. The guy looks down and says "A little at first....."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

saintfan

WhoDat!656

During a visit to the doctor, a patient asked his doctor, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," the man said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" the doctor said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

foreverfan

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old gran...dmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

foreverfan

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You must be dumb.... It means someone stole the tent."

2019 Death of a Parrot.