dam1953

You know what separates a Coon A$$ from a Dumb A$$?

The Sabine River.

foreverfan

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise

2019 Death of a Parrot.

Crusader

There was a man that died and went to heaven
When he was at Gods gates, he asked " How good were you to your wife?"
The man said "I loved her with my world.. Adored her with my whole life"
God said " well I will let you roam Heaven in this beautiful Cadillac."
The second man came to the gates.
God : " how were you with your wife?"
Man#2 " well I Was not happy with her but stuck with it for the kids"
God: " ok I will give you this Jetta to ride around Heaven."
The third man came to Heavens gates.
God " how were you with your wife?"
Man#3 "Damn I treated that ***** with what she deserved..! Cheated on her evert chance I got"
God: " ok you get this scooter to go around Heaven
God: Sees Guy #1 crying his eyes out
God: " what's wrong, you're in heaven in a Cadillac?"
Man#1 " I JUST SAW MY WIFE GO BY IN A SCATEBOARD!!!!!

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does
anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my
children from school."
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew
something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your
children sir".
In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The wife who was angry shouted at her husband, "Don't tell me all these are your children!"
The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I
think..I gave him my super glue. !!

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped
at Costco for some gas where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window with all her software in full display, and said in a sexy
voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering. Would you be interested in
trading sex for ammo?"


I thought for a few seconds then asked, "What kind of ammo ya got?"

2019 Death of a Parrot.

WhoDat!656

Boudreaux & Marie were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, Boudreaux said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Marie replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all dem people at the wedding."

TheOak

One of my all time favorites:

Boudreaux is playing pool one day at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see Thibodeaux's truck is full of pink boxes, Boudreaux asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, Nutrasweet ; Boudreaux asks "What you gonna do wit dat"?, Thibodeaux replies "going Nurta hunting". Boudreaux replies "it will nevah work", Thibodeaux replies, "Youll see".

4 hours later Thibodeaux returns to the bar with a truck full of Nutra to which Boudreaux says "Well ill be damned".

A few weeks later Boudreaux is playing pool again at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see T's truck is full of brown boxes, B asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, Duck Tape ; Boudreaux asks "What you gonna do wit dat"?, Thibodeaux replies "going Duck hunting". Boudreaux replies "it will nevah work", Thibodeaux replies, "Youll see".

4 hours later Thibodeaux returns to the bar with a truck full of Ducks to which Boudreaux says "Well ill be damned".

Again, a week later Boudreaux is playing pool at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see Thibodeaux's truck is full of wheat colored bails, Boudreaux asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, "puzzy-willow" ; Boudreaux replies "Hangon!! let me get my coat!!!!!!".

foreverfan

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

foreverfan

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...It makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma

2019 Death of a Parrot.