Loomis: Look, we've been monitoring the situation since the end of the season, and, look, we've been reading what's been being said on Black & Gold, and, look, we just felt like we needed to rile up BakoSaint, Sinner, and K_Major even more. Mrs. B, Mom to me, is on board, as well. You see, look, we know this will have the desired effect moving forward. Next question?

Expect more of the same on offense. It's insanity!

Of course they aren't.

Why would they do anything that could make the team better?

Loomis: Look, I like drinking. I start drinking first thing in the morning, I continue drinking all day. Arranging offensive coordinator interviews might interrupt my drinking. Pete Carmichael is a guy I like to drink with. He did fine at drinking this year. We are going to continue drinking together as long as our livers hold up. If mine fails, my friend Guido from the Black & Gold message board has promised to donate one to me. We will also be signing Peat, Thomas, etc to extensions so we can drink instead of bringing in free agents, and making some big trades in the draft so we have less picks and can drink instead of scouting players. Also we are bringing Jahvid Best out of retirement and if we lose next season we will blame it on unexpected injuries. Next question?

Drinking helps certain folks cope with unexpected injuries, false starts, fumbles on key plays, trainwreck-style choking at games that should easily be won, making no radical changes in personal or procedure after a dismal season, and laughing all the way to the bank, while loyal fans fork over their money for season tickets and merchandise.

For Loomis, it may be hard liquor. For Guido, it's Kool-Aid.