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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Originally Posted by foreverfan I may never read another LB Joke. ______________________________ Boudreaux was in New Orleans . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and ...

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Old 10-25-2011, 09:52 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by foreverfan View Post
I may never read another LB Joke.

______________________________

Boudreaux was in New Orleans .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Boudreaux went over to him and said, 'Ain't it 'bout time ya let the Catholics across?'

_______________________

Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Devereaux said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Betty Lou said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Keep 'em coming, ff. This is what I hoped for.
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:56 AM   #22
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A man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he suddenly had a craving for dog food. The doctor said that it was odd, but there was nothing in dog food that would harm him...so if it's dog food you want, then eat dog food.

A couple of months later the doctor was shopping in the supermarket. He came across the man's wife in the produce department. He said hello and asked her how her husband was doing.

She informed the doctor that her husband died two weeks ago.

The doctor was shocked and said, "I really didn't think that dog food would hurt him."

The lady explained, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was out in the street licking his %$#!@ and got hit by a car!"
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:07 PM   #23
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LB... that joke reminds me of something.... I saw a dog licking himself the other day and I told my friend "I wish I could do that."
He said, "You most likely could, but you'd probably have to pet him first."

___________________

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Last edited by foreverfan; 10-25-2011 at 05:16 PM..
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:08 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by foreverfan View Post
LB... that joke reminds me of something.... I saw a dog licking himself the other day and I told my friend "I wish I could do that."
He said, "You most likely could, but you'd probably have to pet him first."

___________________
Literally laughed out loud. +1


Edit...You know, this reminds me of a true story. I was somewhere around 10, my brothers were 15 and 17. We had a cat and she had kittens. The mother cat became ill, and did not have the strength to do what a mother cat has to do to help her kittens do #2.

The kittens were getting upset because they needed their mother's help, and my oldest brother made the comment, "That's really sad. We should really do something to help them."

My other brother says, "You can lick those kittens butts but I'm not going to."

Whether you think you can or think you can't...you're right!

Last edited by Saint_LB; 10-25-2011 at 02:22 PM..
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:11 PM   #25
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Halloween joke...

Why can't witches have babies?

Husbands either have crystal balls or hollow weenies.
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:42 AM   #26
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Ya killing me.... literally LB....

It is a little know fact that the Mafia actually wanted Moammar Gaddafi dead
for impersonating a really ugly Italian woman.


Last edited by foreverfan; 10-27-2011 at 05:16 PM..
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Old 10-26-2011, 02:23 PM   #27
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A biology professor at Alabama was doing a scientific experiment with frogs.
He put an average sized bullfrog on his table, and while slapping his hand on the table, he said, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog promptly jumped 4 feet.

He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 4 legs jumps 4 feet."

He then takes a knife and slashes off the frogs front left leg. He puts the frog on the table and slaps his hand on the table and says, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog jumps 3 feet.

He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 3 legs jumps 3 feet."

He then takes the knife and cuts off the frogs front right leg. He places the frog on the table, slaps his hand down and says, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog jumps 2 feet.

He enters into the notepad..."Frog with 2 legs jumps 2 feet."

He proceeds to cut the frogs back left leg off, puts the frog on the table, slaps his hand down and hollers, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog jumps one foot.

He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 1 leg jumps 1 foot."

He then cuts off the last leg, puts the frog on the table, slaps his hand and says, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog does nothing.

He slaps again and repeats, "JUMP, FROG...JUMP!"

Still nothing.

So, he takes his notepad and enters, "Frog with no legs is deaf!"

Whether you think you can or think you can't...you're right!

Last edited by foreverfan; 10-26-2011 at 04:48 PM..
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:00 AM   #28
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Last edited by foreverfan; 10-27-2011 at 09:09 AM..
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:24 AM   #29
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A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared."I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you mayhave a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ."
Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish? The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:53 AM   #30
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor kids.
I said, “Screw that ....... knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
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