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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; This really works and will only take about ten seconds!!! Do the math and the final number will exactly match your favorite movie. I am good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally ...

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Old 10-27-2013, 09:17 PM   #811
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Re: Joke of the Day

This really works and will only take about ten seconds!!!

Do the math and the final number will exactly match your favorite movie.

I am good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!

DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.

You will be AMAZED at how accurate this test is!

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply that number by 3.

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:




















Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, isn't that amazing?
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Old 10-31-2013, 03:26 PM   #812
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Re: Joke of the Day

The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.

From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.
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Old 10-31-2013, 04:10 PM   #813
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Re: Joke of the Day

Completely Inappropriate Jokes

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the hell out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a goat trying to whistle!"
__________________________________________________ __


__________________________________________________ ___

The misses asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ _____________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!
__________________________________________________ __

A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."
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Old 10-31-2013, 05:25 PM   #814
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Re: Joke of the Day

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and
gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I
burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.
I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete
failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen
and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I
took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my
dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to
it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 11-04-2013, 04:27 PM   #815
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Re: Joke of the Day

A group of Iranian students on US visas were protesting on their college campus in TX near construction of a new cultural center.

As construction workers walked by the student chanted "death to America!!"

Feeling uncomfortable, one of the construction workers punched an Iranian protester in the face and said, "No American. E legal immigrant."
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Old 11-04-2013, 08:10 PM   #816
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Re: Joke of the Day

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'. I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie.

She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!
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"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:51 AM   #817
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Re: Joke of the Day

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............






















"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:39 PM   #818
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Re: Joke of the Day

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine had walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.

'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting opposite spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b.itch out of the window'.
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Last edited by foreverfan; 11-06-2013 at 07:53 PM..
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Old 11-08-2013, 12:32 PM   #819
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Re: Joke of the Day

What did momma bumblebee say to her bad little boy?

Bee have or I'm gonna beat that bee hind!



ok I made this up but drink a few beers and stew on it.
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Old 11-11-2013, 12:15 PM   #820
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Re: Joke of the Day

A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself
from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the
captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Toronto Island Ferry."
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