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Curtis & LeRoy bought a mule for a $100 and the farmer was to deliver it the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellas. I have some bad news. The mule died last night." Curtis & LeRoy said, "Well, just give us our money back." The farmer replied, "I can't do that. I have already spent the money." "Ok, then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What are ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" "We are gonna raffle him off!" "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple weeks later, the farmer saw Curtis & LeRoy at the Piggly Wiggly and asked, "What did you fellars do with that dead mule?" "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do! Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer $2 apiece and made a profit of $998!" "Didn't anyone complain?" "Well, the guy that won got upset. But we gave him his $2 back!" |
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An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and he began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flushed, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called Satan to mock him. "So how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan, replied, "Hey, things are great! We've got air conditioning, toilets that flush and escalators and there is no telling what this engineer is going to do next!" God was surprised."What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should have never been sent there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan, "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him!" God threatened. "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah right, and just where the hell are you going to get a lawyer?" |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury here here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man, thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried hereand you would only spend $150?" The man replied,"A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!" |
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A man got a hot new co-worker that he wanted to bang badly.
On day he couldn't take it anymore so he offerd her $500 to have sex with him. She said no thanks but he persisted and said: - "I'll be fast, I throw the money on the floor and you just bend down to pick them up, when You get back up I will be done." She said - "I don't know I have to call my boyfriend first." The boyfriend told her - "Ask for $2000 and pick them up so lightning quick he don't even have time to unzip his pants." The girl then agreed to the mans proposition. 4 hours later the boyfriend was nervously waiting for his girlfriend to get back from work and eventually he couldn't take it anymore so he called her. - "What has happened, why aren't you home yet?" he asked. She replied: - "THAT BASTARD PAID ME WITH PENNIES!!!" |
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A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it of with a tequila shot, not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was atleast slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before; I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and frankly I have no idea where I got it... |
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!". |
Re: Joke of the Day
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!! |
Re: Joke of the Day
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns . "It is not polite". "Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?" "Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business." Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend "Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now. " How in heaven 's name did you find that out?" "And ,"the little girel says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce". "Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?" "Because you got an F in sex". The Mother fainted |
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again." |
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Doctor: do you watch your husband face during sex?
Lady: I did once and he looked very angry. Doctor: why? Lady: because he was watching from the window. |
Awesome!
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Re: Joke of the Day
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. |
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school? SON: At school *robot slaps son* SON: Ok, I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again* SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom* |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man in a hot air balloon was lost. He saw a woman and lowered the balloon to ask for help.
He told her he had promised to meet a friend in an hour and he didnt know where he was. The woman said, "You are in a hot air balloon about 100 feet above the ground. You are located on the 49th degree of latitude and on the 8th degree of longitude." "You must be an engineer", said the balloonist. "I am", the woman responded. "How did you know?" "Well, everything you told me was technically correct, but I can't do anything with this information. And I still don't know where I am. Frankly, you have not been much help and have delayed my journey." The woman said, "You must be holding a position in management." "That's right" answered the ballonist. "But how did you know that?" "Well, you know neither where you are or where you are going. A large amount of hot air brought you to your current position. You made a promise and don't have the slightest idea how to keep it, and now you expect the people below you to solve your problem. Its a simple fact that you face the same circumstances as before we met, but somehow I am responsible for it!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. ... She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad." When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Obama wakes up one night and see George Washington's ghost. He says, "George, how can I help the country?"
Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!" Obama goes back to sleep and wakes up again. This time he sees Thomas Jefferson's ghost. He says, "Tom how can I help the country?" Jefferson says, "Love the Constitution like I did!" Waking up again, Obama sees Abe Lincoln's ghost and asks, "Abe, how can I help the country?" Abe says, "Go see a play!" |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!' |
Re: Joke of the Day
The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give to me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony , your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
So after I showered yesterday I was drying my dick with the blowdryer.
My wife walked in and asked me what the hell I was doing. Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the right answer... |
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I spewed on my keyboard!!!:p |
Re: Joke of the Day
Seattle the day after they legalized Marijuana in Washington.
http://www.bashbro1nwseniorsoftball....e.2012.fog.jpg |
Re: Joke of the Day
Dear God,
Please Give Clothes to the Girls on SmashMouth's Computer. Amen. http://www.thatcutesite.com/uploads/...ing_kitten.jpg |
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: Jan 15, 2012 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs." |
Re: Joke of the Day
A husband and wife were sitting in their porch swing one evening when suddenly the wife slapped her husband.
"What was that for?" the husband cried as he rubbed the side of his face. "That's for being such a poor lover!" replied his wife. After a few minutes, the man slapped his wife. "What was that for?" his wife yelled as she rubbed the side of her face. "That's for knowing the difference!" replied the husband! |
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Re: Joke of the Day
So I met this girl and she said she wants a guy thats fun and spontaneous...Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown, it is all panic and screaming...
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Re: Joke of the Day
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch." The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Wife recaps her wedding night for her Mother:
Mom: So, time for lady talk. How was it? Wife: Well, Mom, I was so shocked. How could I NOT know this? We're standing at the foot of the bed, and it's getting hot, because, as you know, we waited. So he takes my dress off. It's obvious he is impressed. I remove his tie, his shirt, and then his pants...and OH MOM I feel so embarrassed! Mom: Tell me child. Why did you feel that way? You said he was clearly impressed. Wife: Well Mom, As I took his pants off - I can't believe I didn't KNOW this about him Mom! Mom: What Child? What! Wife: Well, Mom, when his pants hit the floor, it was then for the first time I realized..well, I married a man with only one foot! <sobs> Mom: Now, now dear. That's nothing to be worried about. Let me tell you, when I married your father you know we waited too. And when I got HIS pants off he didn't have a foot either. All these years I've been getting by with 4 inches, and we're just fine... |
Re: Joke of the Day
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS |
Re: Joke of the Day
A fifth grade teacher walks into her class and seeds that all the boys are lined up in front of the blacboard trying to find out who can pee on the it the highest.
The teacher goes to did the principal's office to tell him what is happening in her class room. The principal asks, "Well, what did you do about it?" The teacher replies, "I hit the ceiling!" The principal says, "Bravo! Bravo!" |
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I remember when I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Beaudreaux's first active duty assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, he was the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the most expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was providing at no charge. The officer decided he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch. Boudreaux stood in front of the next group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da government pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out the supplemental insurance, which only costs you t'irty dollars a month, den da government gots ta pay you beneficary $200,000!" "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "Which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ******* who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down... the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen." |
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