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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it?
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why the were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" |
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A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!' The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?" "No, I'm Jewish" "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites" |
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Harlow was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store. |
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English – they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." |
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My lite just clicked on . Got it lol |
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Friends - please be careful.
Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots... I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before. I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know that to do with it. |
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$1000 Trump Dollar!!! Get this for Christmas Presents.
Great gift for college kids. Pays off their school loans faster than Bernie. https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/HJYAA...5F/s-l1600.jpg |
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Me: I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are a lawyer Me: So where's my present? XLIV CHAMPS |
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I always thought Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump.
But then that’s really just comparing Apple to Orange. |
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So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.
Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in, with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then asks the lizard what the hell is wrong with him and he tells the alligator about him and the owl smoking weed in the tree together. So the alligator walks over to the tree to give the owl a piece of his mind, and when he gets to the tree he yells up at the owl, the owl looks down and rubs his eyes and says WOOOO MAN HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?! |
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A man fell into a giant cup of coffee and drowned. The coroner's report indicated that the man didn't suffer.....it was instant.
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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the hell would you say?" |
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up as they approach the bar and tells them..."we don't serve your type here."
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Guess Who Quit Smoking Today?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi |
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When I hit puberty, my father showed me a powerpoint presentation about the importance of wearing a condom. Turns out that all the slides were pictures of me.
XLIV CHAMPS |
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!” |
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The teacher asked her class what they wanted for Christmas.
Susie: I want a puppy! Bobby: I want a BB gun! Johnny: I already know what I'm getting - I'm getting a bike! Teacher: How do you know that you're getting a bike? Johnny: Well I told my dad that I wanted a bike for Christmas, and he grabbed himself between the legs and said "Yeah ok kid, I've got your bike right here." XLIV CHAMPS |
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A Farmer stopped by the mechanic shop to get his truck fixed. They said it would take at least a day. He decided to leave it and to walk home since he didn't live far.
On his way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he went to the feed store and bought a goose and two chickens. Standing outside of the store, he was scratching his head and trying to figure out how to get everything home, when a little old lady approached him. She said "Excuse me but do you know how I can get to 103 mockingbird lane?" He said "Why yes that is very close to where I live. I would walk you there myself except I don't know how I'm going to carry all these things home." She said "Why don't you put the paint in the bucket and carry them in one hand. Then put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in the other hand?" He said "Thank you that's a great idea" and then proceeded to walk her home. On the way, he said "Let's take my short cut down this alley and it will save us several minutes." The lady said "I'm a lonely old lady without a husband to protect me. How do I know that you're not going to shove me against the wall, pull up my dress and have your way with me?" The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! How do you expect me to do that while I'm carrying all this stuff?" The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top, and I'll hold the chickens." XLIV CHAMPS |
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2020 Official Movie Trailer LaFawnduh :D From Napoleon Dynamite |
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I once applied for a job and during the interview was asked if I can perform under pressure. I replied, how about "Bohemian Rhapsody instead".
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QUESTION: What's the difference between John Kerry and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't think he's John Kerry! |
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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' |
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[emoji592][emoji570]🦯[emoji226] Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains..... |
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Lol Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!' Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'. So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'. The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!' |
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
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That is worse than going camping with you. :stupid: |
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And I married that blonde. :rolleyes: |
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."? |
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely...
God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" XLIV CHAMPS |
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