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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
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God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.
When that angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it’s bad down there; 95% are misbehaving, the other 5% are not.” God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I’d better get a second opinion.” When that angel reported, “Yes, it’s true - 95% are sinful and only 5% are being good.. The Earth is going to Hell in a handbasket.” God was not pleased. He decided to email the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them to stay the course and give them a little something to help them along. Do you know what the email said? Just wondering, I didn’t get one either. |
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George got a new job and his fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?" George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed." "Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?" George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late." |
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Obama wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed. He orders the Post Office to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the Obama. Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp; the problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.' |
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Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he has cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with a frying pan, or should I just leave him? Your advice would be appreciated. Sincerely, Mad as hell. ******************** Dear Mad as hell, You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan. Try to act more like a lady. Remember! You are running for President of the United States, so try to act like it! Best of luck to you. Signed, Abby |
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Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying. |
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
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On the radio...
A woman was caught shoplifting adult diapers. When the police arrived, she asked "You aren't going to arrest me, are you?" The officer responded "Depends?" |
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Since you mentioned Depends!
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.” |
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I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises. She said "I don't think it's in yet" I said "Yes, that's the one"
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs. What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard. What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat instead. Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. |
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“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries? Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300,000,000, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy it was sold to the Chinese?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?" Trump: "No the other one." Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?" Trump: "No the other one." Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?" Trump: "No the other one." Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?" Trump: "No the other one." Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Me, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet." Trump: "No, the other one." Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china as Bill left Office?" Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Tweets to remember.
--- 12016 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing. 2016 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing. --- NASA Headquarters. Reporter: Why did you name the Mars rover "Curiosity"? Scientist: The prototype killed a ****ton of cats. Next question. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Dear friends,
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money. Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee P.S. The Committee has raised $ 0.16 so far. |
Re: Joke of the Day
George and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. George promptly jumped in to save her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical doctor became aware of George’s act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell George the news. He said "George, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient. I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead." George replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry. |
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I went to the grocery the other night to get some slices of cheddar cheese.
https://www.gardengrocer.com/attachm...s/big/3328.jpg I needed something to go with them so I asked a black lady if she knew where the crackers were? She looked at me and said... "look all around... they bes walking around everywhere." http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pu...itude_4523.jpg |
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A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.” She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder. “Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’ “What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin' days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing. |
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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his dick in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. "‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" ‘Sure.’ ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks. ‘No, I can remember it.’ ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’ He says, ‘I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks. Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast ?’ |
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AT THE BAR
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?" |
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An Italian and an Irishman entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Irishman stole three chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the Irishman said to the Italian, “Man I’m the best thief. I stole three chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.” The Italian, replied “Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you something better!” So they went to the counter and the Italian said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?” The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.” The Italian said, “Give me one chocolate bar.” The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The Italian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. Then he asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked, “But where’s the magic?” The Italian replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.” |
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I am going to do this!
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Funny!
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WHO WILL PAY THE PECKER CHECKER?
I have one very important question about the whole anti-LGBT bathroom legislation! Who will pay the Pecker Checker? And how much money will a Pecker Checker make? Do we pay a Pecker Checker by the pecker? One more question! How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker can check peckers? |
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Hillary Clinton may become the first F president.
Sorry, I meant Female but the emale got deleted... |
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I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.
The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter. So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my ass year round. The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it. |
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http://www.ishouldhavesaid.net/wp-co...08/shut-up.jpg
I SHORTENED THIS UP... Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Often the conversation hog doesn’t get to the point or goes off on tangents driving their listeners crazy. You can use this... 1. STFU. 2. You know what’s cool? When you STFU. 3. If I wanted to listen to some SHlT, I’d fart. STFU. 4. If I wanted your opinion all of the time, I would have married you. STFU. 5. Remember that time you STFU? Of course not. Nobody does. STFU. |
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A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi Darling,” he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, ‘Hello’ to them?” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Will someone post more jokes please
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk |
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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.” |
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